I went to see N tonight. I took a break, between session 5, and when I went to see her last month and didn’t write about it (aka session 6). I couldn’t deal with it, where I was at, at the time. Too much time in my body, too much truth.
I went to yoga therapy today and realized how fucking exhausted I am. I’ve been busy all week, every week. I’ve overrun my schedule. And I was walking from the bus stop to yoga and I realized that it was the first time this week that I had stopped to notice the world around me. And I got there and changed and sat on the mat and told her that.
I told her about my struggles being vulnerable in therapy with A. (PS – it is super nice to talk to someone about therapy with A and not have them be weird about it). And she listened and was like “but, PD, you know that’s normal, right?”
And I kept on going about how I have trouble communicating overwhelm or sitting with emotion and she was like “again, given everything you’ve been through, normal. All of this is normal.“ And THEN, she said something A ALWAYS says – and they don’t talk. So N said to me “the trauma, it occurred in a relationship, and over a long period of time, so the only way to repair it…”
“… is in relationship, over a long period of time.” I finished the sentence for her. They keep telling me that, but I don’t want to believe it.
“You can’t plan it, there are no milestones, or goals to reach, it’s going to take as long as it’s going to take. It may take a long time. There are going to be periods of intensity, and periods of calm. And periods of instability and ruptures. And it may not all be with the same person, or it may. Point is – the only way to heal it, is to engage with it. To engage with her, even when it’s painful. And all of it, all of that, is”
“… normal.” I finished her sentence again.
“If anything, you operate at a higher plane because you spend so much time investing in and investigating yourself. But these struggles, they are normal.”
We talked about the stories I tell myself, the narratives I live with, even though I know intellectually that they are crap (ie the belief I am somehow responsible for my brother’s behaviours) I cling on to them because they define so much of my life and I’m not ready to let them go yet. And how that connection between mind and body hasn’t been made. That my body holds emotional memories far beyond my ability to understand them. And again, she reinforced the normalcy of it all. And again, I mentioned my dissatisfaction with the process.
So I asked her for help sitting with it. Because I’m getting frustrated, and impatient, with my inability to communicate. I asked for her help with relaxing at the end of the day, with putting this stuff away to take care of myself, in the way only I can. Help focusing on the moment. And we did a bedtime yoga followed by a relaxation exercise, and I recorded it. And she told me she would watch over me and encouraged me to close my eyes (she even had an eye mask that I borrowed so I was dark), and she put the weighted blanket on me and the bolster under my knees and a pillow under my neck and we worked through what going to bed should look like in terms of relaxation and yoga techniques. Gentle, and calm. And I was much more centred when I left.
I am doing too much. I know I am. I can see burnout in the distance. So I’m going to gently redirect, and not book more things, and schedule so I have more time to relax.
And above all, remember that it’s a practice. Just like yoga is a practice, so is meditation, and mindfulness, and vulnerability. I didn’t have a lot of practice, so I really need to be more gentle and patient with myself. And breathe.
And she is going to send me a practice that I named “you need to calm the fuck down, it’s bedtime.” We laughed at the name.
It was a nice session.