Yesterday I emailed A and asked for an extra session. I need to give her the letter and get it over with and feel some sort of control over this situation that has been exacerbated now.
I thought about it all afternoon, knowing if I didn’t see her earlier than Thursday, I would obsess about giving her the letter the whole time. It’s 4am and I’m up again middle of the night second day in a row. I’m motherfucking tired. Exhaustion represents my least stable moments. All my breakdowns have been after three or four nights of little to no sleep. I’m hoping to crush another hour here, after I get these thoughts down, but I’m not hopeful.
I can’t stop thinking about giving her the letter. I can’t stop thinking about her saying no to coming to my exam. I don’t even know if I want her there but I need some semblance of control over this back because I feel incredibly unbalanced.
I don’t know if this is going to trigger anybody, so consider yourself warned.
Here’s the thing, a thing, that I haven’t talked to anyone about really until yesterday. For the longest time I have had this random dream. Since I was little. A doctor’s office, a man in a lab coat telling me gently to relax, and I get this freaky feeling every time, and wake up all cold and shaky. I didn’t know what it meant. I had it a lot as a kid, then again around the time I lost my virginity, and more recently almost every day since September, after the assault. I can read the doctor’s name in the door in my dream. After about a week of this non stop in September I called my Mom and asked if I had ever had a doctor with the name “Dr. T”. She was like “what an odd question, no, you’ve only had Dr. C”. So I moved on with things.
Sidebar: the word “relax”, or being told to “relax, sweetheart” has always, always, always been a trigger for me.
Then, when we were back home before the wedding, I was looking through my baby book with my now husband, and SAW DR T’S name on my baby bracelet. THE GUY BIRTHED ME. So my mom was lying. I googled him, and his picture looks like the man in my dream. So then I’m furious, and I confront my Mom about lying. Turns out, he was my doctor for almost four years including a time I had a nasty infection as a child, “down there”. So I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this.
Last weekend I called her and asked again. I told her I had a really weird feeling about it, that I couldn’t stop dreaming about it, and basically begged her to tell me the missing pieces of the puzzle. And she said “my God, nothing happened. You’re overreacting. I was there the whole time and it’s just not my proudest parenting moment so can we drop it please?”
Umm… Excuse me!? This makes YOU uncomfortable so we can’t talk about it? I pushed it, she hung up on me, and yesterday my Dad called to tell me “this is one of those things we don’t talk about to protect your mother. You know how she is. That’s why we don’t talk about this.”
So now I’m really confused. I had myself convinced that dream meant nothing. Now I feel crazy and insane, and it adds a whole layer to this fear around my exam and around talking about this and what in the actual fuck.
I’m not crazy, right? To be obsessing over this?