What the actual fuck.

Yesterday I emailed A and asked for an extra session. I need to give her the letter and get it over with and feel some sort of control over this situation that has been exacerbated now.

I thought about it all afternoon, knowing if I didn’t see her earlier than Thursday, I would obsess about giving her the letter the whole time. It’s 4am and I’m up again middle of the night second day in a row. I’m motherfucking tired. Exhaustion represents my least stable moments. All my breakdowns have been after three or four nights of little to no sleep. I’m hoping to crush another hour here, after I get these thoughts down, but I’m not hopeful. 

I can’t stop thinking about giving her the letter. I can’t stop thinking about her saying no to coming to my exam. I don’t even know if I want her there but I need some semblance of control over this back because I feel incredibly unbalanced. 

I don’t know if this is going to trigger anybody, so consider yourself warned.

Here’s the thing, a thing, that I haven’t talked to anyone about really until yesterday. For the longest time I have had this random dream. Since I was little. A doctor’s office, a man in a lab coat telling me gently to relax, and I get this freaky feeling every time, and wake up all cold and shaky. I didn’t know what it meant. I had it a lot as a kid, then again around the time I lost my virginity, and more recently almost every day since September, after the assault. I can read the doctor’s name in the door in my dream. After about a week of this non stop in September I called my Mom and asked if I had ever had a doctor with the name “Dr. T”. She was like “what an odd question, no, you’ve only had Dr. C”. So I moved on with things.

Sidebar: the word “relax”, or being told to “relax, sweetheart” has always, always, always been a trigger for me. 

Then, when we were back home before the wedding, I was looking through my baby book with my now husband, and SAW DR T’S name on my baby bracelet. THE GUY BIRTHED ME. So my mom was lying. I googled him, and his picture looks like the man in my dream. So then I’m furious, and I confront my Mom about lying. Turns out, he was my doctor for almost four years including a time I had a nasty infection as a child, “down there”. So I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this. 

Last weekend I called her and asked again. I told her I had a really weird feeling about it, that I couldn’t stop dreaming about it, and basically begged her to tell me the missing pieces of the puzzle. And she said “my God, nothing happened. You’re overreacting. I was there the whole time and it’s just not my proudest parenting moment so can we drop it please?” 

Umm… Excuse me!? This makes YOU uncomfortable so we can’t talk about it? I pushed it, she hung up on me, and yesterday my Dad called to tell me “this is one of those things we don’t talk about to protect your mother. You know how she is. That’s why we don’t talk about this.”    

So now I’m really confused. I had myself convinced that dream meant nothing. Now I feel crazy and insane, and it adds a whole layer to this fear around my exam and around talking about this and what in the actual fuck.

I’m not crazy, right? To be obsessing over this?

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28 thoughts on “What the actual fuck.

  1. PD, I don’t think you are crazy either. I think your subconscious has been giving you pretty damn clear messages for a long time. It doesn’t matter, to a certain degree, whether the doctor did something wrong or your mom did or someone else, or it was a random infection that your doctor was trying to treat. I only mean it doesn’t matter in the sense that whether you were intentionally abused or not, you *were* clearly traumatized. Hence the memories, the dreams, the reactivity to the word “relax.” And so whether you were intentionally abused or not, you deserve to heal from that experience and the pain it clearly caused you. I think you can trust this message from your subconscious.

    Could you heal “better” or more easily if you knew more about what happened? Maybe. It might make it easier for you to tell yourself a coherent narrative about your past. This is something you can talk over with A, and you can decide how much you need to get more information. Then as Sirena suggested, you could request your medical records, or you could try to approach your father separately from your mother, or you and A might think up other strategies.

    Alternatively, you might decide that what you need most is not the “facts” of the case, but attention to your internal experience. And then you would focus be different.

    Or maybe you need one thing now and something else later. There are no rules about this, no right way to go about it. Just examine your feelings and needs, with support and guidance from A, and you will figure out your next steps. When you calm the parts that are freaking out (with good reason!), your wise self will know what to do.

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  2. I completely get why you’d obsess over this. Because if it was nothing, why not just be up-front about it? It’s natural to assume the worst when there’s an atmosphere of secrets.

    I know from my paediatric term that young girls do sometimes get urinary or vaginal infections, most commonly for harmless reasons but occasionally because of a foreign body such as a piece of toilet paper or a toy (children do stick things in the oddest places). This can happen without any suggestion of sexual contact by an adult or of copying something the child has seen, but a doctor would have to keep that possibility in mind and ask appropriate questions to rule it out. Usually the child will tell you themselves what happened when you ask in a low-stress, non-threatening way. Parents will sometimes get really upset though, at the suggestion that their hygiene practices with their child are at fault, or they think they are being accused of sexual abuse, or just that they tried to ignore the problem until it got serious and got a telling off by the doctor. From what you’ve said in the past about your mother I can see it being a possibility that she’s making your medical problem be all about her hurt feelings for being criticised as a parent. And if that were the case, I think it is horrible and self-centred not to relieve your anxiety by explaining it all now. That doesn’t rule out the possibility that it was something more serious, and I think you’re right to be cautious about getting your medical records, at least to think through how you will deal with the information ahead of time.

    Good luck with this and I hope it has a good outcome for you.

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  3. Oh my word WHAAAAAAAT?! THAT’S NOT RIGHT. You were clearly affected by whatever happened, and you have a right to know what it was so that you can process it and move on. It’s haunting you, and you don’t deserve that! I’m mad that your mom lied at first – that’s really low. Ugh. I hope A agrees to the extra session.

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  4. What the actual fuck?!
    No PD you aren’t crazy. Your parents should be giving you the whole story. It isn’t helpful to you not to know. Our minds then make up scenarios which can be 100 times worse than the actual event. You get into a place where you don’t even know if you want to know what the “secret” is.
    It may be nothing. It may be everything. It could be bad. It could be worse. It could be (and I’m not saying it is) completely blown out of context.
    Your parents need to tell you what’s happened. You have a right to know. You have a right to answers.
    Sending hugs PD. I’m thinking of you xxx

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  5. I agree with everyone here. You’re definitely NOT crazy. I would be going insane if I were in your shoes. I know what it’s like to want answers, to be on the edge of your seat, unable to focus much on anything but that one thing. It’s excruciating. I hope you get some answers soon. ❤

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  6. I’m telling you right now. You are NOT crazy. You are NOT. Keep pushing for answers. This could unlock many things for you and your healing. They have no right to hide this or protect your mother because she’s uncomfortable in this moment. What about the chronic discomfort you experience. Does that not matter? It does. Your dreams mean something. This is exactly my experience with many of my dreams and as I read this I felt so much anger for you that they will not give you the context you need to process this. It’s probably anger for myself too, but whatever. I’m perfectly content in this moment feeling these feelings for you as well! Denying your reality is NOT ok and you are NOT crazy.

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  7. Holly crap PD. You’re not crazy. This sounds terrifying.
    Our body and our subconscious remembers things that our conscious mind doesn’t. You may not have all the pieces (though it infuriates me that your mother won’t talk about it) but as Q says, “believe the girl.” This sounds so confusing and distressing. I hope A says yes to the extra session. Sending love xoxo

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  8. Not crazy, not crazy at all. There is so much going on with this whole situation. Of course it’s upsetting and of course you can’t sleep. This is intense.
    I’m curious, would your dad tell you what happened if you promised not to bring it up with your mom? If he wants to protect her and “how she is”, then maybe he’d tell you what happen in exchange for you dropping it after he tells you.
    Take care of yourself today. Eat healthy foods and just be gentle. Do you plan to bring up this dream and the conversations with your parents in session today?

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  9. You are so not crazy. You have a right to know. Have you considered asking for your medcal records from that time? It would just be factual stuff, nothing of the story your mother is avoiding but it might give you more pieces of the puzzle.

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  10. Excuse my language but HOLEY FUCKING MOLEY!!!!! Errr no way are you crazy in any way – What the actual f does that mean??? I bet you are trying to think up all the possible endings to this story – I am too and it isn’t even about me!! You poor thing, is your Dad scared of your mum? Can you call your dad and say to him that whilst you appreciate he is trying to protect your mum – what about you? Ask HIM to tell you the story? Tell him you need to understand what is happening???

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