I had session with A today. I feel wrong, and dirty, for talking about what we talked about. I’m also tired, and sick.
I’ve made so many new mental connections, and I am simply tired of talking. I see her next Tuesday, it feels too soon.
I need to go to sleep. I need to gather my resources.
Trigger warning: sex and eating disorders
I feel like I should be punished for bringing up sex and my sexuality and talking about those things we aren’t allowed to talk about. I want to purge, something I haven’t done (if you don’t include my wedding night…) in 8 years.
You see talking about being healthy sexually and having a sex life and how I feel about all that goes hand in hand with my relationship with my Dad which goes hand in hand with my eating disorder(s).
I was fine when I left A’s office, even though I felt like we missed each other (both of us were sick today). But in the last half hour things have slowly gotten worse. She also hasn’t hugged me either of these last two sessions. She says it’s because she is sick, but I know it’s because she thinks I’m wrong and dirty.
I never should have talked about any of this with anybody.