Wrong and Dirty

I had session with A today. I feel wrong, and dirty, for talking about what we talked about. I’m also tired, and sick.

I’ve made so many new mental connections, and I am simply tired of talking. I see her next Tuesday, it feels too soon. 

I need to go to sleep. I need to gather my resources.

Trigger warning: sex and eating disorders

I feel like I should be punished for bringing up sex and my sexuality and talking about those things we aren’t allowed to talk about. I want to purge, something I haven’t done (if you don’t include my wedding night…) in 8 years. 

You see talking about being healthy sexually and having a sex life and how I feel about all that goes hand in hand with my relationship with my Dad which goes hand in hand with my eating disorder(s).

I was fine when I left A’s office, even though I felt like we missed each other (both of us were sick today). But in the last half hour things have slowly gotten worse. She also hasn’t hugged me either of these last two sessions. She says it’s because she is sick, but I know it’s because she thinks I’m wrong and dirty. 

I never should have talked about any of this with anybody. 


22 thoughts on “Wrong and Dirty

  1. PD – sorry I am a little behind on the reading…but I can understand completely how you feel ready to shut down and how bad you feel for bringing this up. That said, wow, you are so strong and brave…and deserve to give yourself a break!! You shared your deepest and most vulnerable parts of you with A, and she validated and cared back. But, in this deep fear you are valid in feeling dismissed by not getting hugged two days in a row, despite, I am sure, knowing inside it is only due to her being sick and not wanting to pass it on to you because of how deeply she cares for you. If you can go back and read about how deeply she respected you and is working to make a safe plan for you both…you will see and feel that love and care she holds for you. You are brave PD and in being brave – it often allows us to again touch our deepest fears. You are ok but don’t give up on yourself or A now…you have gone so deep and you deserve to see it through with her. I know she will not let you down.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s ok Carly. Somewhere, intellectually I know it’s only cause she was sick. But I think those hugs represent so much to me, in terms of care and contact. Other than holding my hand twice, when I’ve absolutely broken down, there isn’t contact. Going back and reading was a good idea and I did that tonight. Thanks for cheering me on.


  2. Aw PD what a bad time for A to be sick. Of course you want (need) a hug. And she probably truly and honestly doesn’t want to get you (even more) sick. But of course given the super sensitive topics coming up it feels personal. Please believe me it’s not. A doesn’t think you’re bad and dirty and neither do we and I hope she feels better soon and gives you a hug that makes up for the last two times she hasn’t been able to. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • I did need one. And I didn’t even think about the connection on Tuesday, but then she didn’t want to hug again on Thursday. I’m in a place now where I don’t care about anything, and I don’t want to go back.

      I do so much appreciate your comment though Lily. ❤️


  3. You aren’t dirty or wrong, but it is so easy to feel that when we’ve been taught not to speak about certain things. I also second everything everyone else has said. A does not think you are bad. Not at all. I hope you got some rest. Please be gentle with yourself. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I need to rest more, I’m trying to be gentle. I’m trying to breathe and sleep and take it one day at a time. I just want some space from therapy, I think. This is too much for me.


  4. Sounds like backlash. A part of you wants to heal and wants help, but then another part gets scared about this and jumps in to punish you for venturing into this scary territory. That’s how it works for me anyway. Hope you feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are brave for having talked about it. It’s complex, it’s deep, and it’s hard. Build back up your resources. It’s hard to fight this right now, when you’re sick and tired; take care of yourself and the rest will come.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You are none of those things. It’s not surprising that you feel that way though. A doesn’t think that you’re wrong or sick, she wouldn’t be a therapist if she did.
    What you have been through and the therapy to deal with it is incredibly difficult. But your courage and determination shines through x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pd this is not true. It is a belief you are holding on to. You are none of those things though. I doubt A thinks you are either. You are sick, so your resources are down. Try to sleep and build them back up again. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You’re NOT wrong or dirty for talking about this PD. By talking about it, what you’re doing is breaking the silence. For not just yourself but others who have been through the same things. Also, more than likely, the reason A didn’t hug you is because she’s sick and didn’t want to risk passing on her cold or flu to you. I know this is hard PD. But please believe me, you’re doing the right thing by speaking up and speaking out.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Your words are important, if you brought it up in therapy it must be worth talking about. That’s what my therapist says. Keep your head up 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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