Google Shame

I did it, I went down the Google hole with my counsellor.

I know way too much now, and I am positive I violated her trust. To be fair to me, I was googling to see her picture because sometimes I do that when I’m trying to decide to quit or not. And then this time a news article popped up about someone with her name. And I clicked it. 

And I read it. All of it. I didn’t stop once I found her wife’s name and place of work or her daughter’s name or a variety of other things that are very personal and things I shouldn’t know.

And then, because apparently I can’t follow the rabbit hole just that far, I Facebook stalked her partner, who really needs to improve her privacy settings. 

I am horrible. There is NO way I can go see her now. I should definitely stop. What an awful series of decisions.


38 thoughts on “Google Shame

  1. I’ve told my T that I googled her, what I found etc. She wasn’t angry, she knew I wanted connection. She lets me follow her public instagram account.

    If she’s a good counsellor, she won’t be mad.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m trying alarmed at how much I’ve learned about my therapist’s life via Google. She only knows of one thing I learned and I plan to keep it that way. But, yes, this is natural and it’s public information.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I have to echo what all the others have written: what you did is innocently stumble on easily available public information and then let your curiosity pull you along a bit more. It is not a violation; it is not stalking. It may not be the wisest thing ever, but only because for all of us doing very deep work in therapy, it’s better to keep the thinking on ourselves instead of on our therapists’ lives. But still, how can we not be curious about the therapists who become such important people in our lives?

    I think if you are looking for a reason that you absolutely have to quit therapy, you’ll have to keep looking. This is not a good reason. (Also, like others, I hope you will stay in therapy. A seems to be a very skilled therapist who gets you and cares about you,) Hugs!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Q. “This is not a good reason to quit” – I love that you put it like that. She is very skilled, isn’t she. I don’t know what it is but I’m just so terrified of her leaving me right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree with Lily and Staystrong10 PD….it is natural curiosity and a need to find that connection you are missing right now. Don’t allow this to deter you from doing what you need for you!!! You are normal in doing this PD….you are not bad, but GOOD AND VALUABLE AND LOVABLE…borrowed with sincerity from Blooming Lily

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oops I wasn’t done! Anyway I also googled J and her sister (who also really needed to improve her primacy settings) and found out stuff about her family and even personal struggles (her mom had cancer) and I knew she would hate me if I knew. I never brought it up.
    T normalized it for me. We’ve never talked about it but I’m sure she’d assumed that I’ve googled her (which I have – but only found professional pages and her Facebook which is pretty locked down).
    It can be hard to find big things out about your counselor I think because a) you feel sneaky and b) it almost feels like something else has come into the relationship, it’s not just you anymore. You expect that she feels violated, but you might feel violated too (at least I did!)
    Curiosity in a vulnerable place is normal. I am confident A understands that and would want you to bring it up so you can work through it.
    She will still love you just as much and will be so proud of you for telling the truth if you bring it up. (And she would still love you even if she later found out you didn’t tell the truth… I think nothing you could do could stop her from loving you.)
    I’m sure A has experienced this many times before. Hang in there. She would be so sad if you chose not to come back over this.

    I understand however how bad this feels and I’m sending you love (and a big poster that says YOU ARE NOT BAD, YOU ARE GOOD AND VALUABLE AND LOVABLE) πŸ˜‰β€οΈ

    Liked by 3 people

  6. It’s okay. Like dangerousvoyager said, it is on the public domain. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You were trying to figure out if you were going to quit, and you stumbled onto this. It’s okay, you’re not the only client who has found their counselor’s stuff, and likely A has had other clients see her stuff before too.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Given what’s going on for you at the moment, this is understandable. To me it looks like partly a desire to be closer, but also a reaction to bringing up the sexual stuff and the feeling of boundary violation that all of that involves, a kind of unconscious “I’ll show you how it feels”. (I may be projecting my own issues here, so feel free to ignore this if this interpretation doesn’t seem to be right for you, but I’ve been down that particular rabbit hole myself. A few clicks was all it took to find out waaaay too much information – hobbies, religion, holidays snaps of him and his kids, YouTube video of one kid who was in a well-known singing comp, and most disturbingly, what I think was part of his dating site description from a number of years back).

    All of what you discovered is in the public domain and it’s not your fault that it was freely available. If you do decide to tell her – and you don’t have to go into exact details of how much you found – I don’t think she’ll judge you over this. I hope you will be kind to yourself and not put this as a further barrier to getting the help you need from her.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I’m really reaching to create as many walls as possible for myself and between me and her, aren’t I. I’m convinced she’s leaving me, and I’m convinced she’s going to be mad for everything I’ve told her…

      I think we need to go back to the building block basics.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. There is no shame in being curious, PD. That’s not wrong. This shame that you’re feeling is the part of you that doesn’t want help. Please don’t let that part overtake the progress that you’ve already made.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. As someone who has an instagram account mostly so I have an excuse for social-media stalking… I don’t think you did anything wrong here, PD. You’re innocently curious. No real harm in that.

    Liked by 2 people

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