Limited Capacity

I forget how much being sick affects me. I have no capacity for anything. It’s taking all I have in me to even get up for tea. Although I am slowly feeling better. I have antibiotics and I’ve slept a lot. I simply hate the forced rest. I find my mind wanders and gets out of control.

I am all over the place in terms of therapy right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m still so sick that thinking about it takes all my brain power. I can’t find most emotions, other than shame in general. Shame related to searching for her and her family. Shame related to everything I’ve told her lately. Shame over even thinking of asking her to accompany me to my pap (seriously, how could I have done that!). I’m back to living every day feeling like I deserve to be punished… and I’m also so confused as to why she isn’t punishing me. Like it must be coming. I felt this way all through high school. I couldn’t cope with it then, and I’m having trouble coping with it now.

My own fronting perfectionist is here and has taken over if I’m forced to interact with other people. I have no emotions, other than shame and just fucking being tired. I don’t really care about anything. I haven’t been able to eat, really. I haven’t been sleeping. And to top it off (which escaped me until I looked at a calendar today), it’s an anniversary week. ***trigger warning*** Eight years ago this week I helped carry a young boy who had just lit himself on fire in a suicide attempt out of a building and watch as the whole thing burned down. I can still smell burning human when I think of it. I guarantee that’s part of why my sleep was so awful and it will probably continue to be an issue this week.

And I’m railing against boundaries. I want to call her now, while I’m sick and curled up on my couch. I want to be able to email her everything I’m thinking. I hate that I’m not allowed. It makes so much sense but right now I’m just angry. I’m. just. angry. And I don’t know why. I don’t think she’s done anything. All A has ever done is love me and meet me where I’m at and unfailingly be here for me. But I’m convinced that’s a lie. Because it’s so weird. Who does that. Nobody does that.

I think my instinct to quit is a “I’ll get you before you get me”. I don’t think I’m lovable after all I’ve told her – I just hear my mom and dad and other therapists saying I’m high maintenance, and that nobody will ever make me happy, and I’m so needy, and I put people in impossible positions, and I drain people of their resources. So before I drain her of all her resources and before she gets a chance to tell me how awful I am, I need to leave. I need to get out before she does. Then it’s in my control.

So at least I have an idea of what’s inspiring this whole spiral but I also don’t trust her right now. And maybe I need to start there, with, “there is a lot I need to share with you, but I don’t trust our relationship right now. I’m hoping we can work on that for a little bit, because I am starting to self sabatoge and getting in the mindset of “she’s going to leave me so I need to leave first.” And I don’t know what to do. But I need reassurance. I need to know that you don’t think I’m bad, or wrong, or needy, or stupid, or too much.” 

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll throw that out there and see what she does with it. At least it’s accurate. 

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10 thoughts on “Limited Capacity

  1. I love that draft message to A. It’s very honest, and there is a lot there that you two can work with.

    I’m sorry about the devastating experience with the boy setting himself on fire. I imagine that something like that would be hard to remember, even though it sounds like you contributed in a very positive way in the midst of a dreadful emergency.

    I’m also sorry to hear you are sick–that is a miserable feeling. Please remember that anything you can do to take good care of yourself, as you would take care of your husband or a dear friend, is not only helping you with this illness but is reminding yourself that you deserve love, care and attention (no matter what your parents said in the past). You matter. Your health and well-being matter. xxoo

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  2. I think that is an important step in therapy when it really sinks in that working on the relationship itself is just as important and can be just as comforting as talking about other things in your life that sometimes seem more ‘relevant’. I hope you recover from being sick soon xx

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  3. That would be a good thing to share with A, for sure. 🙂
    PD that’s a hard, hard anniversary. Cut yourself some slack for wanting A’s comfort and support.
    And I totally get you on the sick thing, I really, really, do. It lowers your bandwidth by so much. And it sucks. I hope you feel better soon. Xx

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  4. Sounds like a solid plan PD. Telling A that part in italic will probably be beneficial.

    Sorry to see that you’ve been sick lately, hope you start feeling better soon. Hugs ❤

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  5. That’s a perfect starting point. I know it’s scary to trust that A will be there, to trust that relationship. I’ve written about it before, but your fears, the things your parents have said about you being needy, high maintenance, draining….those words are echoed in my own childhood. I constantly heard that I needed too much, that I drained people, that I was a drama queen. Those things hurt. They hurt and they make it almost impossible to believe that a person, any person, could accept you for who you are, needs and all. The thing I’m slowly learning about those words, though? They don’t have anything to do with me, or with you. They are about the person speaking them; that person lacks something inside themselves. And not everyone is like that. That’s the hard part, right? Learning it’s not about us, but about them and trusting that there are people who can accept more than the perfect facade.

    I’m sorry you are sick. Being sick really does deplete our resources and make it difficult to emotionally cope with anything. I hope you are feeling better. (Also, I have the stomach flu along with a migraine and my head is s but fuzzy, so please excuse me if this comment is a confusing ramble. I just wanted you to know i gets it.) xx🤗

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  6. That does sound like a good place to start PD, it’s true and it’s what you are finding hard right now.
    That also sounds like a dreadful experience with the young boy 😦 no wonder your sleep is suffering.

    Give yourself a break PD. Try and stop looking for reasons why A may abandon you. I know how scary it is to trust especially when your trust has been broken but please try and keep with it.

    Sending you hugs ❤

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