I forget how much being sick affects me. I have no capacity for anything. It’s taking all I have in me to even get up for tea. Although I am slowly feeling better. I have antibiotics and I’ve slept a lot. I simply hate the forced rest. I find my mind wanders and gets out of control.
I am all over the place in terms of therapy right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m still so sick that thinking about it takes all my brain power. I can’t find most emotions, other than shame in general. Shame related to searching for her and her family. Shame related to everything I’ve told her lately. Shame over even thinking of asking her to accompany me to my pap (seriously, how could I have done that!). I’m back to living every day feeling like I deserve to be punished… and I’m also so confused as to why she isn’t punishing me. Like it must be coming. I felt this way all through high school. I couldn’t cope with it then, and I’m having trouble coping with it now.
My own fronting perfectionist is here and has taken over if I’m forced to interact with other people. I have no emotions, other than shame and just fucking being tired. I don’t really care about anything. I haven’t been able to eat, really. I haven’t been sleeping. And to top it off (which escaped me until I looked at a calendar today), it’s an anniversary week. ***trigger warning*** Eight years ago this week I helped carry a young boy who had just lit himself on fire in a suicide attempt out of a building and watch as the whole thing burned down. I can still smell burning human when I think of it. I guarantee that’s part of why my sleep was so awful and it will probably continue to be an issue this week.
And I’m railing against boundaries. I want to call her now, while I’m sick and curled up on my couch. I want to be able to email her everything I’m thinking. I hate that I’m not allowed. It makes so much sense but right now I’m just angry. I’m. just. angry. And I don’t know why. I don’t think she’s done anything. All A has ever done is love me and meet me where I’m at and unfailingly be here for me. But I’m convinced that’s a lie. Because it’s so weird. Who does that. Nobody does that.
I think my instinct to quit is a “I’ll get you before you get me”. I don’t think I’m lovable after all I’ve told her – I just hear my mom and dad and other therapists saying I’m high maintenance, and that nobody will ever make me happy, and I’m so needy, and I put people in impossible positions, and I drain people of their resources. So before I drain her of all her resources and before she gets a chance to tell me how awful I am, I need to leave. I need to get out before she does. Then it’s in my control.
So at least I have an idea of what’s inspiring this whole spiral but I also don’t trust her right now. And maybe I need to start there, with, “there is a lot I need to share with you, but I don’t trust our relationship right now. I’m hoping we can work on that for a little bit, because I am starting to self sabatoge and getting in the mindset of “she’s going to leave me so I need to leave first.” And I don’t know what to do. But I need reassurance. I need to know that you don’t think I’m bad, or wrong, or needy, or stupid, or too much.”
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll throw that out there and see what she does with it. At least it’s accurate.