I’ve been quiet since Tuesday. If I’m being honest, it has been a really stressful week. Financially, at work, in general. I’m exhausted. And I have to work all weekend. I’m really quite done.
I knew that there was a red flag both last night, when I wrote out a whole letter to A, which I will share… but also today, when I highly considered jumping in front of a car. Not because I was suicidal, but because the idea of being immobile in a hospital with someone to take care of me, was better than living.
Alright. I’m doing too much. I keep promising myself I’ll simplify. I’ll stop. I’ll slow down. I will rest. I will invest in my health and healing and save money and stop having sleepless nights because I can’t afford the one thing that keeps me sane.
At least, on a positive note, I’m embracing this crazy attachment situation I’ve got going on with A. I’m attached, there’s no point in denying it any longer. So instead of being ashamed when I’m so angry because she isn’t available immediately to meet my every need, I observe it, and recognize it for what it is, and honestly kind of laugh (because I wouldn’t call ANYBODY at midnight unless it was an emergency let alone my therapist)… but I’m trying to be alright with it. I’m trying to be alright with the fact that all I want is her at my beck and call 24/7 and SO what if that is unrealistic to expect of anyone I want it and I WANT IT NOW SO GIVE IT TO ME.
This is what I wrote as I cried myself to sleep late last night:
Nighttime is the worst. And it’s really hard to imagine you care because in my head if you cared you would be here or let me call you. And it sucks, that that’s not a thing I can do. It sucks, that I can’t just text or call you and have you show up. I want to know you’re always there and I just don’t trust that. I don’t. I don’t trust you. I’m really struggling with things right now, and I’m not letting myself feel them but they’re there…
I can’t trust [redacted] anymore, I’ve realized, nor [redacted], so I’m back to two. I can’t help but feel I’ve made a horrid mistake. My husband hates my mother. My family hates my husband. My brother hates me.
I’ve torn it apart… what have I done. Is this really better for me?
I liken where I am attachment wise to where I should have been as a healthy three year old. So aware of when my caregiver is/is not there but also so ‘independent’. So “I don’t need you” in good moments but “where are you and I’m mad that you aren’t here” in my bad moments.
In that regard, I think I’ve finally accepted that I’m exactly where I should be. I’m where A is encouraging me to be. I am growing in my attachment and trust and… eventually… I imagine that turns into a more solid and stable foundation, or nest, I can return to. I would still love to rid myself of this sticky shame, but I recognize that maybe it, too, is part of the process.
But it isn’t easy. After living in a constantly shaking world, for so long, I get nervous when things are still.