Time For A Break

If I’m being honest, which is what this is all about (honesty and growth, right?),  yesterday shook my (very newly formed) confidence.

Nothing like pouring your heart out into a post, sharing something vulnerable, to have people comment without thinking (and without reading past posts for context) and take that safety of your ‘space’ away from you. I’ve been lucky enough to have a very supportive community here, both of silent (I see you and love you!) visitors and a vocal crowd of commenters I love dearly.

But every once and a while a comment catches me off guard and I internalize it and will agonize over it and carry it with me for days… and that makes me wonder – do newer members of our community really understand the etiquette around commenting when it comes to mental health blogging? I generally don’t publish these comments, and there are more than a few that have come up in the last while.

These recent incidents have done three things for me.

1) They have made me miss Rachel on a deep, emotional level. She had always jumped to my defence whenever it was necessary but in the quest to educate, not demean or degrade. And she often said so much of what I was thinking. A few of my comments recently have been borrowed from ones she had left before – I went in search of a very specific post of mine where I remembered she had jumped to my defense, and I borrowed her calm, wise-minded words that I still have yet to find for myself. Rachel, if you’re somewhere silently reading along know I miss you and think of you often. And hope with all my heart you’re doing well.

2) If I’m being honest, these comments have made me question what was already a fragile blooming attachment. They’ve made me withdraw from the relationship I’ve been trying to get to with A. Which, honestly, fuck you for doing that. Intentionally or not. Because this shit is important and I have been trying to get here for months and although I hate it and I know I’m “letting it happen” you ruined it because I admittedly do not know how to separate what you said from what I believe. I am not strong enough in who I am as an individual, apart from my codependent family or a crowd, to really know that it’s okay to have what I feel be separate from others assumptions. That it isn’t punishable to go against the grain. A comment by a thoughtless commenter will now put me back. And this, in turn, has made me carefully consider my comments because God forbid I am that person for someone else (if I have ever, ever, upset any of you with a well meaning comment I sincerely apologize). It’s also made me realize that while I have come a long way I still instantly internalize the words of others. And it makes me really consider my role in this. I put these words out in the world. I am as much at fault if not the only person at fault here. I allow comments. Is it wrong of me to expect a certain amount of respect afforded to me when I’m posting in a public domain? I honestly don’t know the answer.

3) Finally, it has shaken my feeling of safety in posting here. What was my space to express my thoughts and to be me has now been tainted a little bit. There is a person behind these words. A real person who is struggling with some very real issues. Additionally – how harmful could these comments, if I allowed them, be to people who come here to read and get hope? Or to find someone who maybe is further along than them and be inspired but instead maybe also feel unexpectedly sidelined.

And so we have reached a point that was coming naturally anyways. I am travelling soon, and would be taking a break regardless, but as of right now I need to retreat and gather myself. The comments (more than one guys, I declined the majority of them) in question had an impact on me – more than I care to admit. And I’m still not 100% sure what role I play in that (because I do play one, I’m the person writing this for goodness sake), and what safeguards I should take moving forward. 

So I won’t be posting for a while. This won’t be the end though, because I’m not going to ruin something that I’ve been told gives back to so many… but I need a break. I need to figure out how to not take comments from strangers so personally. I need to spend my time away on vacation being away, on vacation. I might need to get through this really young attachment phase first, and then write about it.  Or maybe I start writing some private posts and give the password to those I trust most. 

Know that I’m fine, I really am. For the majority of the time I’ll be lying on a beach, or surfing. The rest of the time will be spent writing and reading and considering what the rest of my year of deep healing looks like. I have gotten so busy and deviated from the path of regeneration, and restoration, that I should be on. 

I want those of you who comment and read often to know that I so value your comments. They often come at the right time and present options or challenges or make me think or make me feel less alone. When I say to think before you comment, I am not talking about you.

But to those of you who haven’t mastered the art of commenting in the mental health blogging community – think before you comment. You may really seriously damage someone who is already emotionally fragile, and just not know it. 

And to all of you, be well for the next few weeks. I’ll be back — after soaking up some very much needed space (I’m unplugging, completely!) and vitamin D, and snuggles with my husband, and sunrises above the clouds, and surfing and swimming with sea turtles and dolphins. 

Yea, I need this. 

See you in a while –

Love, PD

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37 thoughts on “Time For A Break

  1. Dear dear PD, how dare someone question YOUR process. One that you have shared so openly and authentically here. I don’t comment because I just don’t feel worthy but that is totally my shit but for someone to hurt you crushes my heart. I wish you safe travels and eagerly wawa it tour return.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sin and shame please know that you are welcome to comment, and that this comment made my day so much better. And you’re right, how dare someone question my process. Thank you for reminding me that it is mine. ❤️

      See your comments ARE worthy

      Like

  2. Take care. I don’t have the words for a lot of what I want to share. Trolls are scary, that’s why I keep my blog private…too afraid to share, too scared of trolls. I’m a new reader, you don’t have to share the password with me, but I would still like to read your blog 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      • ❤❤ I’m glad you’ve community here though it doesn’t make trolls any less scary. I fully support you putting your emotional and physical safety first ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. just want to let you know that many appreciate your blog and we drown out the unkind. we don’t always comment but we are always rooting for you. have a great trip.

    Like

  4. Completely understandable, and I’m so glad that you’re doing what’s best for you… Taking care of yourself. 🙂 Enjoy your time away, lovely. I’ll be right here when you’re ready to return. ❤

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  5. Aw, PD, I get it, but I will miss you! (I’m still not over Rachel’s departure either, btw.) I’m also so sorry you have been hurt by comments on your blog. Your posts are genuine, heartfelt, and thoughtful. You clearly take risks in therapy and in what you share and that really helps others learn to be brave, too.

    I hope you have a wonderful vacation, and that I’ll see you back here on WP when you feel ready. xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ll still be commenting and reading until I leave, but I knew the break was coming so this feels really like an optimal time.

      I’ll recover, and loop back around in time. Thank you. Xx

      And I miss her so much, Rachel.

      Like

  6. I chuckled at your second line. I cannot WAIT for vacation.

    Thanks for saying I inspire you. I will of course allow you to continue on as part of my journey with whatever form that takes. Xx

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  7. Been reading regularly and quietly without much to say, but thinking about you. Attachment stuff is so hard. I’m wrestling with it as well. Wishing you so much warmth and peace and calm and a wonderful vacation. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Dear PD: So many things I want to say. I will miss you and I will think what a wonderful time you are having.
    Did I say something bad to you? … I hope that wasn’t me … but I’m in such a fragile place at the moment, I am worried … I remember first really noticing you when you and Jules were so hitting it off … I have always felt deep strength in you and apologize from my heart if I hurt you in any way.
    I miss Rachel too. A lot. I hope you are OK, Rachel.
    Thanks for listening, PD. Sweet thoughts – TS

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hey PD. I hope you have an amazing (and well deserved) vacation.
    Fuck what people think Hun. You have come such a long way. You are doing brilliantly. You and a few others inspire me all the time on here. ❤️

    Take care and I hope you’ll allow me to continue to be a part of your journey. You have my email if you ever need anything.

    Load of love xx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. My God, I miss Rachel too.
    After a few comments like you mentioned, I went private. That way I have all of my supportive community commenting and no one else. “Should” I be able to take comments from strangers without internalizing? Maybe, but screw that – this is my safe space and I only let in who I want.
    Making some posts private with the same password every time and giving the password to who you want is a great idea – or going private again. You don’t have to deal with this here. There’s plenty of it in the real world.
    If I ever have offended you, I’m sorry. But you know by now that that’s never my intent, I hope.
    I’ll miss ya but glad to know you’ll be back and that you’ll be okay (actually more than okay – this sounds fabulous!!!) while you’re gone! 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    • For the record, Lily, you’ve never offended me. Nor has anyone else I can think of who is here regularly.

      I think I’m going to go the private password post route. I’ll send you the password when I do. I will be back (I promise, unless something crazy happens it’s 100% my intention) and I am okay ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    • That’s one thing I’ve definitely developed with the support of my husband and A, the ability to speak up for myself (even if I can’t quite get there immediately).

      And you know I feel similarly about you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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