The narrative I’ve believed my whole life is one of not good enough-ness, of staying in the shadows. Of not being a bother. Of perfection and when perfection is impossible – a narrative of quitting or freezing or stalling.
I know what I have to do to get the things I want I just cannot for the life of me move through this block to access them.
When I really listen to myself, when I really sit and listen and get through the emotion and the facade and the blocks – I hear someone afraid of leveling up. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of leaving behind situations where I’m second best, where I’m the victim, where I’m vulnerable, where I know my role.
I check my brothers Instagram because I’m afraid of him no longer needing me. I’m angry that my family doesn’t beg for my attention anymore despite that being what I wanted because it means I’m independent in a way I never was. I am terrified of getting my pap – I’ve scheduled it and haven’t told anybody – and yet that nagging voice says “ask for the support you know you want”.
I have all these things in place. At work, I could ask for a raise, I haven’t. Personal work, I literally have a site ready to go and people ready to work with me, and I’m self sabatoging. I know what I need to do to feel better with eating and sleeping and not drinking and I WANT to do these things. And yet. Nothing.
My critical voice is so worried. It’s panicked because this is new, and we are excited. And that leads to disappointment historically and people letting us down. It’s building up defence after defence. Loan and money issues for the business, simple non-engagement for a lot of the health and sleep and food stuff, business self sabatoge. This. Is. Dangerous she screams – and she hates that we just realized we don’t think of killing ourselves on the train platform every morning anymore for the first time in four years.
We’re standing on an island in the middle of a tranquil sea of opportunity – and we are acting like we are drowning and clinging to life rafts we don’t need to anymore, as if we put down the life raft and tethered it to a tree and stored the Band-Aids away and just enjoyed the sunshine that immediately someone will ransack our camp.
And there’s a part of me that believes we don’t deserve this success or happiness. There is a part of me that is terrified if we access the support and continue to grow and everything will fall apart or worse yet I won’t know how to act, because I’ve never been this free.
It’s like having the door open to a cell I’ve been locked in for so long, the shackles removed, A and Lu and Dave and my husband and so many opportunities on the other side of that door I can freely walk to, and I’m choosing to stay put because I am mother fucking afraid.
I’ve read this book recently, about how the reason people don’t take big leaps to chase their dreams is because they get too scared or too many things get in their way that they take as signs. Our egos LOVE the status quo. My status quo has been second fiddle and victim and put your head down do what you told and it better be perfect. My status quo has been you only get support on someone else’s schedule. And my ego? It wants to keep it this way, the way we know.
So every change I think of making I find 10 reasons not to. But if there is one thing I know it’s that I cannot, not after all this, let my fear of levelling up flatline me. I have to walk out the door of this cell.
My playing small does not serve the world.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
Now that I have no current issues with family or life blocking me, I am my biggest barrier. And I’m going to gently but lovingly tell that critical voice “I know you’re scared, but I’m doing this.” Because I deserve a life of my own design and I will be damned if I’m the reason I don’t get it.