A motherfucking waste of a session 

This is a quickie, because I am on my way to a business meeting (why do I do that, allow therapy before I have to work). Thankfully it’s a vendor trying to impress me, not the other way around. 

I’m a mess.

What a motherfucking waste of a session.

You know those ones where you feel like you get nowhere? I really wanted to discuss what I wrote about my mom, and she was forcing talking about us. Not forcing, that’s unfair, but she did point out I was taking the conversation away from the present and away from my feelings. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings. I wanted to talk about my mom.

And now I booked to see her twice next week. Because why, exactly? Ugh, I’m frustrated.

It’s so unfair. 

I wanted to talk about what I wrote to my Mom. I was proud I had done it, and I wanted to share. And she redirected us and we never got back to it. And that would have helped me get to a place where I could discuss my emotions. And it would have helped me cry. And now I’m just mad. 

It’s about time we had a rupture. It’s been a while.

I feel like picking a fight. I have to calm down. This is not how one does business (I’ll be fine, I’ll just disassociate away from it). But Dave will be there, and he will see, and he will know. 

This is why you don’t let people in. Because then you can’t hide. 

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12 thoughts on “A motherfucking waste of a session 

  1. I’m so sorry. I hate that unsettled feeling of being left hanging…that has happened to me a few times. A seems very intuitive to me based on your descriptions of her so maybe she just knew it was not going to go well or it would leave you too raw and she wanted to hold off until you wouldn’t have to wait through a weekend and some days to process through it all? I don’t know. It was such a well written letter full of emotions and your truth. I know you worked hard on it and I’m sure you were looking for some validation for that with A. I would be frustrated and feel angry too if I was sidestepped and needed to wait. I hope your meeting went well and you were able to focus and set this aside for awhile. I kinda wish I could just hug you right now!

    P.S. I always wonder too why I schedule therapy at a time I know I have to go home and turn on “mom mode” or “work mode” or “wife mode” or something else important where I need to be present. My ideal time would be 8pm…so I could come home and think and sleep on it!

    This is where I feel like dissociation can be such a gift…we can carry on 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry that you felt your session went nowhere. I’ve had a few of those of my own, and it’s extremely frustrating. In those moments I just think to myself, “I could have spent that money on something else- maybe saved it for one of those therapy sessions where I feel desperate and in need of my therapist”. Sending love.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I want to yell at her for you and say liisten here….she is paying you for your time to help her and you will listen to what is on her agenda for the day!!!!
    Because I always hate that too. Walking away thinking well that was a waste of time and money and I got nowhere! Just sucks!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s one of if not the first times it has happened and I didn’t realize how much it upset me until after. I’ll be sharing with her next week how dismissive it felt (maybe, if I can get up the effort. I’ll definitely try)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. oh, sorry that happened, I hate hate hate coming away from a session feeling like there’s unfinished business. Good that you have two sessions next week though, hopefully that will help.

    Liked by 3 people

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