This is the first time in a long time I’m so ashamed of myself and my life I want to hide under the covers and not leave.
My husband is mad at me, my friends think I’m insane, and I managed to spiral so out of control so fast and so hard last night I’m wondering about my own sanity.
I don’t know what triggered it. I got drunk at the meeting, drinking almost a whole bottle of wine to myself.
On the way home on the train I spent almost $6000 USD on a surprise weekend for my husband (money I don’t have, at all, and debt I DO have).
I concocted some elaborate story (read: a lie) so he wouldn’t be mad (he was anyways, and still is. He was ready to go to bed when I got home, and ended up staying up 3 hours longer all a tizzy). He told me he knew I was lying, and that when the shit hit the fan because of it he would remind me that he was super clear about how lying impacts us, and how lying equals divorce (For those of you new to the blog, lying is a very sensitive thing between us, and he isnt being unreasonable saying that if you know our history).
I then cancel a flight while trying to cancel both.
I then rebook that same flight on a different airline.
I then book two sets of tickets to something (read: 4 tickets for 2 people), costing me approximately another $1000USD. Non refundable.
I then book a hotel, also non refundable.
I then continue to fight with my husband, texting people to see if they’ll corroborate my lies. It appears I have better friends now than I used to, because they text my husband and won’t lie for me, and, quote-unquote from Dave “she’s drunk, and seemed off at dinner. Something is wrong.” Lu was also there for me all night. Thank goodness for Lu.
So the whole thing gets shut down. I refund everything I can, cancel the hotel (and that comes with an extra $300 cancellation fee).
I have never spiralled that quickly. Ever. I have actually never done anything like this, to that extent. My lies aren’t impulsive, my emotions don’t swing around like that. When I have big emotions I can usually stuff them away and move on. Drinking didn’t help.
I’m not at all blaming A, for the record, with this next part. That therapy session was definitely some sort of trigger for a massive spiral – but ultimately I am responsible for my own actions. I also believe that in all likelihood the being held offer and conversation is still touching a raw nerve, and I don’t know how to handle it.
I should have realized the state I was in and either cancelled the dinner and gone home or not drank. I was really, really, angry after session and with no safe way to get rid of it and the lack of an ability to stuff it I did two things I always used to do – try to run away, and lie. But it was different. Something was off. Something was wrong.
I’ll let you know the final damage to my life as I tally it amidst my shame spiral. My husband isn’t speaking to me, and if we recover from this it’s going to be a long journey.
What the fuck happened. What the fuck did I just do.
I feel so incredibly alone right now.