Out Of Control 

This is the first time in a long time I’m so ashamed of myself and my life I want to hide under the covers and not leave. 

My husband is mad at me, my friends think I’m insane, and I managed to spiral so out of control so fast and so hard last night I’m wondering about my own sanity.

I don’t know what triggered it. I got drunk at the meeting, drinking almost a whole bottle of wine to myself. 

On the way home on the train I spent almost $6000 USD on a surprise weekend for my husband (money I don’t have, at all, and debt I DO have).

I concocted some elaborate story (read: a lie) so he wouldn’t be mad (he was anyways, and still is. He was ready to go to bed when I got home, and ended up staying up 3 hours longer all a tizzy). He told me he knew I was lying, and that when the shit hit the fan because of it he would remind me that he was super clear about how lying impacts us, and how lying equals divorce (For those of you new to the blog, lying is a very sensitive thing between us, and he isnt being unreasonable saying that if you know our history).

I then cancel a flight while trying to cancel both.

I then rebook that same flight on a different airline. 

I then book two sets of tickets to something (read: 4 tickets for 2 people), costing me approximately another $1000USD. Non refundable.

I then book a hotel, also non refundable.

I then continue to fight with my husband, texting people to see if they’ll corroborate my lies. It appears I have better friends now than I used to, because they text my husband and won’t lie for me, and, quote-unquote from Dave “she’s drunk, and seemed off at dinner. Something is wrong.” Lu was also there for me all night. Thank goodness for Lu.

So the whole thing gets shut down. I refund everything I can, cancel the hotel (and that comes with an extra $300 cancellation fee).

I have never spiralled that quickly. Ever. I have actually never done anything like this, to that extent. My lies aren’t impulsive, my emotions don’t swing around like that. When I have big emotions I can usually stuff them away and move on. Drinking didn’t help.

I’m not at all blaming A, for the record, with this next part. That therapy session was definitely some sort of trigger for a massive spiral – but ultimately I am responsible for my own actions. I also believe that in all likelihood the being held offer and conversation is still touching a raw nerve, and I don’t know how to handle it. 

I should have realized the state I was in and either cancelled the dinner and gone home or not drank. I was really, really, angry after session and with no safe way to get rid of it and the lack of an ability to stuff it I did two things I always used to do – try to run away, and lie. But it was different. Something was off. Something was wrong. 

I’ll let you know the final damage to my life as I tally it amidst my shame spiral. My husband isn’t speaking to me, and if we recover from this it’s going to be a long journey. 

What the fuck happened. What the fuck did I just do. 

I feel so incredibly alone right now. 

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19 thoughts on “Out Of Control 

  1. PD….I’m so sorry about the shame spiral you had. I have no words of wisdom for you because we have all been there. But one thing I have read twice that just really resonates for me….”it’s about time we have another rupture.” I might want to suggest that having a rupture with A right now is probably not going to solve things, or help you feel more in control or more able to deal with your emotions. Maybe, instead, approaching her with the same humility and honesty you shared here might allow a more open conversation and avoid that rupture…you don’t need more stress or drama right now. Please be good to yourself – we all make mistakes and we are all learning and growing. Safe hugs to you

    Liked by 2 people

      • I think our instincts are always to fight because we feel like we have to to survive or to feel like we have a voice.. I agree here too with itscarly1. I felt a twinge when I read “it’s about time we had another rupture” for the second time above. I think A has proven to you she is safe and reasonable and can handle your feelings towards her in any given circumstance. Don’t create a “rupture” because it feels safer to you. (I’m totally assuming that might be the case here based on my own experiences with creating conflict and pushing away when I’m feeling too safe with someone so I need to regress/revert and push them away before “they leave” me first.) I feel like she will want to hear this, want to understand your feelings around the last session, and want to process through this with you for both her and your benefit. She may have totally misread your needs at your last session or you may have miscommunicated your desires or needs and that could have led to the spiral. You are both human and won’t get it right every time. I actually don’t know the circumstances obviously, but regardless, maybe try not to have the rupture and see how that feels to you. And now I’m sure you want no hugs from me and just want to punch me in the face and figure out how to block me because I may have hit a nerve somewhere by saying any of this. I hope not, but if you do, I’m totally cool with that because I get that feeling too 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      • The idea of not fighting through it and instead that there is space to speak and be heard is so foreign to me.

        I think I wrote what I did about ruptures as a way to steel myself for one, expecting it. Not because I want to cause one, but because it felt inevitable.

        I still don’t know how I’m going to approach it, and I still feel like I’m blaming her for my errors (which I’m not, I’m responsible for me, not her).

        I’ll take hugs. I don’t want to punch you. I actually laughed out loud at that. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. PD, you’ve made some bad choices in the stress of what is going on at the moment. This does not make you a bad person. However much it may feel as if you’ve painted yourself into a corner right at this moment, you’ve shown in the past that you are resourceful and brave and persistent, and I know you’ll get through this. Be honest with A and with your husband about what is going on for you and I have no doubt that they will do the best they can to help. It may also feel as if you can’t express anger toward A without it being *blaming* her and you don’t want to do that because then it’s not taking responsibility for your own actions, but maybe you can separate out those two things a little and be mad at her for not being and doing what you needed last session without having to also make it “look what you made me do” (which I’m sure is something you’ve heard an awful lot in your life from your family).

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re so right about that last part, that I don’t feel like I am allowed to express hurt and anger. And I did hear that a lot.

      I know she didn’t make me do what I did, but she hit a nerve even if she didn’t mean to, and the result is this mess.

      It’s about time we had another rupture.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have been thinking about this post for a couple hours now trying to come up with something to say to help you or encourage you in some way but I have no words. Not because what you did was so outrageous or ridiculous. In fact, I didn’t really batt an eye at it because I can really relate to this spiraling out of control and not really knowing it is happening until you are in the midst of it. I wonder why we do things like this. What prompts it and why don’t we realize it until its too late? And when we do realize what we are doing, why can’t we stop right away…I’ve noticed sometimes for me it launches me into a greater fury…maybe similar to what you experienced with the double hotel bookings, etc. You are much more courageous than I, though, for putting yourself out there and laying it all out on the table and sharing this. I appreciate your vulnerability. There are a handful of things I have done that I really want (probably need) to talk to someone about but the shame is so great and paralyzing that I just can’t. Also, because it’s a repetitive behavior I have sworn and promised I would never do again, even to God…but, alas, I have. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t know what I was feeling because I’m not really experienced at feeling yet and when I do feel I’m not really sure how to manage it. I guess I share this with you to let you know, you are not alone. I know you feel that way and me telling you this probably doesn’t bring you relief, as much as I would hope it would. I’m so sorry, PD. That was a rough day/night for sure. Now I really wish I could just hug you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not sure I am more courageous but I appreciate both the sentiment and the post – it did help – knowing I’m not alone is a pretty good gift right now, although I’m sorry you identify.

      I wish you could hug me too. You’re so kind, secretkeeper.

      Emotion just overrides that logic and all those promises.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I also echo what staystrong said. Also, and I realize you may not want to hear this, but given that all of this happened because of your anger about the last session with A, I think it would be a really good idea to talk to her about why you were angry with her, and then be completely honest with her about what happened after the session. I am supporting you through this, no matter what happens.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. PD, you’re not alone. I’m here for you, no matter what happens. I’ll always be here for you.
    You have a lot of insight as to what happened and what you could’ve done differently. And I know, it’s easy to see this stuff looking back and it’s so hard to think clearly when the emotions run so incredibly high.
    Would talking to your husband and telling him what’s going on help? I know how it’s scary, that he could get angry. But would that be easier to deal with than having things with him decline?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know you’re here. I do.

      The insight doesn’t help when my safe person doesn’t feel safe. I needed her to hear me. I hate that I need her in any way. This is what’s wrong with attachment therapy, it always hurts.

      He’s going to attribute it to me being drunk. He doesn’t even know I had therapy yesterday and if he did, he would still be mad that I drank. I honestly have no idea if I’m still going to have a husband tomorrow.

      He doesn’t get the attachment or the emotion and operates solely based on logic. In his mind, if me seeing A, and spending money on a session, led to this, then clearly the answer is to not see her anymore.

      At least I have a massage booked Sunday. Goodness knows I need that.

      Liked by 1 person

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