I’m calmer now.
Things have settled, to a point.
They’re messier, in other ways.
So far the only financial damage is around $233. My behaviour was so erratic, that Ticketmaster, Expedia, and the credit card company labelled my purchases ‘fraudulent.’ They asked if I remembered making the purchase. I don’t, and I said as much. I said I have no recollection of purchasing those items, but that I know I was drunk. We will see what they do.
I’m so fucking lucky. If that’s the only financial damage, I caught a break.
My husband and I are… ok. He’s furious with me but as I found out later tonight more furious with my family… My Mom decided tonight was the night to have a super intense conversation about both her relationship with my husband, and my relationship with my brother.
We were on the phone for an hour and eighteen minutes. And while I still played the parent, I also held my own. She’s upset about Christmas. I told her I would be there. She said my brother wouldn’t and I said that that isn’t my problem. I don’t care. If he isn’t going to be there, he isn’t going to be there.
I accused her of a lot. Of sharing my husband’s email, of taking my brothers side. And we hung up, and she was crying, and that sucks – I made sure she knew I loved her, because I do… but ultimately I’m done sacrificing myself for them.
I’m fucking done. I don’t have to put up with an abusive sibling anymore, and I won’t.
Anyways, my husband is still angry. It’s unlikely we recover from this soon. It’s touch and go, with him, at the moment. But when I asked if he was leaving me he said “no, why would I give up our marriage over this.”
But he also said earlier “I just want your mom and dad and brother to own up to it. To own up to the fact that incidents like Thursday are on them. This isn’t your fault, but I’m mad. I’m mad that you never got the chance to learn. To learn your boudaries or emotions. I’m mad.”
I don’t even know how I feel post that conversation with my Mom.
I also wrote out a draft letter to A.
I’m hoping you all know how grateful I am that you pointed out my expectation of a rupture. I’m so used to not being listened to. But A is not my past. She is not my mother. And I plan on telling her how last Thursdays session affected me (via writing, because anything else is WAY to hard).
We will see. We will see what happens.