Coming Down

I’m calmer now.

Things have settled, to a point.

They’re messier, in other ways.

So far the only financial damage is around $233. My behaviour was so erratic, that Ticketmaster, Expedia, and the credit card company labelled my purchases ‘fraudulent.’ They asked if I remembered making the purchase. I don’t, and I said as much. I said I have no recollection of purchasing those items, but that I know I was drunk. We will see what they do.

I’m so fucking lucky. If that’s the only financial damage, I caught a break.

My husband and I are… ok. He’s furious with me but as I found out later tonight more furious with my family… My Mom decided tonight was the night to have a super intense conversation about both her relationship with my husband, and my relationship with my brother.

We were on the phone for an hour and eighteen minutes. And while I still played the parent, I also held my own. She’s upset about Christmas. I told her I would be there. She said my brother wouldn’t and I said that that isn’t my problem. I don’t care. If he isn’t going to be there, he isn’t going to be there.

I accused her of a lot. Of sharing my husband’s email, of taking my brothers side. And we hung up, and she was crying, and that sucks – I made sure she knew I loved her, because I do… but ultimately I’m done sacrificing myself for them.

I’m fucking done. I don’t have to put up with an abusive sibling anymore, and I won’t.

Anyways, my husband is still angry. It’s unlikely we recover from this soon. It’s touch and go, with him, at the moment. But when I asked if he was leaving me he said “no, why would I give up our marriage over this.”

But he also said earlier “I just want your mom and dad and brother to own up to it. To own up to the fact that incidents like Thursday are on them. This isn’t your fault, but I’m mad. I’m mad that you never got the chance to learn. To learn your boudaries or emotions. I’m mad.”

I don’t even know how I feel post that conversation with my Mom.

I also wrote out a draft letter to A.

I’m hoping you all know how grateful I am that you pointed out my expectation of a rupture. I’m so used to not being listened to. But A is not my past. She is not my mother. And I plan on telling her how last Thursdays session affected me (via writing, because anything else is WAY to hard).

We will see. We will see what happens. 


14 thoughts on “Coming Down

  1. Hi PD. I was out of town and missed all of this while it was happening. What a lot you’ve been through! How scary to feel you lost control, and how painful, all this mess with your family and their expectations and their refusal/inability to admit that they have hurt you so. I am really sorry that you have suffered so much and have to work so hard to recover. It’s clear your husband gets is, really understands where everything came from. It is beautiful to be seen and understood, in our pain and in our mistakes, and still to be so loved.


  2. The only thing that worries me PD, is that your husband wants something to happen that very likely will never happen. I don’t think your family will ever own up to the damage they’ve done. And also, I have to say, even though I know you have lots of time to decide about the Christmas period, I’m not so sure it’s a good idea for you to spend Christmas with your family. That being said, this is my opinion only, and I know that you’re the only one who gets to make that decision.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right, I am the one who gets to make that decision. And while I definitely appreciate your concern, that was a snippet of a conversation between us and not the whole thing.

      I’ll figure it out, and I’ll be fine, but your concern makes sense to me based on the information a blog can convey 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. What your husband said… wow. I am so glad that he can see this, rather than just piling on the blame on you. Because you don’t deserve it, because you’re doing the best you can, because you didn’t have the opportunity to learn. And I’m proud of you for being done sacrificing yourself for your family 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so done. My mom messaged me to ask if we were okay tonight and I didn’t know what to say so I just said yes.

      I don’t know if we are. I don’t know if we ever have been. But I do know I stayed rooted in my truth throughout that conversation and that that is so important.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad things are settling and there’s been some damage limitation on the spending. Just a thought, would it help if on days you have therapy that you only carry cash, no card? It might prevent similar over-spending when emotional?

    Liked by 1 person

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