I come in, we sit down. Sal has their laptop out, and we’re talking about my current experience, emotional and physical. Anywhere I feel stuck or not whole. I speak about my desire to self sabatoge, feeling undeserving of this peace, and this sense of intellectually understanding my story but somatically not being in touch with it at all.
Sal outlines what a session might look like, where hands may go, and asks if I’m okay with all of the possible combinations. I say yes. They also mention to me that it should feel pleasant and relaxing the majority of the time, not painful emotionally or physically, that emotions will come up, and pass by, but that if I feel discomfort or anxiety staying for long periods of time or I start to get stuck and spiral into my story that I should let them know.
We talk about a resource, a grounding image or something that feels comforting. I settle on having a glass of wine in the bath, and ask if that’s okay. Sal says yes and asks where I feel that, when I think about that wine, and the bath, and tells me to remember that if I ever find myself drifting away mentally.
Then I get on to the massage table. Clothes on, and under a sheet. It’s too hot for the blanket. Sal starts at my feet, eventually my right side, then my head for a period of time, always moving back down to my feet. The hour passes so quickly, that when we are done, I can hardly believe it. It’s a few minutes early, but Sal tells me my body felt ‘done’, and I agree. I had felt a lot during that session, and found myself being drawn towards agitation when Sal stopped.
I tell Sal that I felt a whole longing to be known and a simultaneous encouraging from parts of me to let Sal in, that Sal is safe. I also felt, very briefly but really painfully, this acute sense of absolute loss. And then I would resource. Its hard to explain, this flowing of “let Sal know you” and this longing to be known for real, this sense that who I am out in the office and even at home isn’t congruent anymore with who I feel I am. I also came acrosd the brief but extraordinarily painful sense of loss a few times, once when Sal first placed their hands on me, and again when my head was both cradled in one of Sal’s hands, and the other was gently on my forehead.
I came face to face with that teenager from the barren wasteland, encouraging her to join me, but also being led through the caverns. It was a very intense visual experience. I shared all of it with Sal afterwards, and was so grateful they treated it gently. It isn’t easy opening up like that.
When it’s over, even though I’ve spent time being uncomfortable, I almost want it to continue, I feel like I’m in touch with a part of myself I haven’t been able to communicate with. It’s like my body went as far as it could go, feeling, and then retreated, like I had been riding the crest of a wave.
Sal asks me if I’m driving. I’m not. It’s a good thing. We laugh. Sal sits with me until I’m ready to get up, and then makes sure I’m alright. I hear from them their perception of me and my body and experience and considering Sal doesn’t know my history, it’s right on point. They express potential for another session, and I agree. There were parts of me that were very anti the experience but also yearning to be explored, and there will be time and space for them. I’m going to make space for all of them.
It smells like rain, now, I can feel the breeze on my bare shoulders and someone is watering their lawn which in this heat is creating a perfect scent. I’ve walked two blocks to the bus, as Sal suggested.
I have this desire to nourish myself that I haven’t in a while, with good food and a hot bath and maybe some journalling. I have some work to do as well, but I know now for next time (which, by the way, is the 11th) to be very gentle with myself post cranio.
Overall it has done what I hoped. It has allowed me brief access into parts of me I can’t always see. It has allowed those parts of me a way to try, tentatively, emerging. It has allowed me to speak to the deepest parts of myself.
It’s exactly what I need.