Sal: Make sure you get enough sleep and drink lots of water. The emotional implications of this may catch you off guard.
Me, in my head: ‘ya, ya, I’ve been through a lot. This is nothing. I feel great!’
Sal warned me, I just didn’t expect the amount of emotion that was coming my way. I had to work later than I wanted to last night, until well after midnight. I then had trouble falling asleep. As I kept drifting off, I was dreaming of that girl from the barren wasteland. At one point it was me and her, sitting on this stone in a secluded area, with a couple toddler mes and a baby me playing outside on the grass.
And my teenage self looked at me and says “they needed some fresh air”
And I say “thank you for giving it to them.”
And that’s it.
I woke up this morning after not enough sleep so full of emotion that was close to the surface. My husband is still angry with me from the behaviour I exhibited just over a week ago, and has not felt like touching. I get this, and I don’t think he is doing anything wrong. If I didn’t feel like being touched I wouldn’t want him forcing it on me. But this morning I asked him for a kiss goodbye, or some sort of contact at all and he said ‘no, I’m not ready yet’ and I deteriorated into this mess.
And by mess I mean emotions everywhere. Sobbing on the floor of the bedroom, in the fetal position, unable to form coherent sentences. It was this sense of being denied comfort, it was this life or death feeling of not being heard. It was WAY out of proportion for what had happened but Sal had unearthed that longing and sense of loss and my husband managed to tap it right on the head with his “no” to contact this morning.
I could not convince myself to go to work. Dave, my boss and good friend, ended up convincing me I would feel better in the office and I shouldn’t be alone, so I took an Ativan (the first time I’ve ever used one during the day) and got through my work day.
Now I’m at home making quinoa and salmon, alone while my husband is at our sports game (that I captain, but I just could not go tonight – plus I can’t play).
I’m finally taking some time and taking some breaths. I still feel like those emotions are much closer to the surface than before seeing Sal and I definitely better understand the need for space between sessions of cranio.
I will listen more closely next time.
I’m also curious if this will last until I see A on Thursday. I am hopeful it does, honestly. I’ve come in contact with some very real and very raw emotions around longing and loss, about self sabotaging, and about my preoccupation with receiving male comfort, as if it could fill that need gap. I also have this desire to just be held.
It’s going to be an interesting week.