Ever since cranio, my emotions have surfaced in a way I really didn’t expect. Part of that could also be hormones, with my period coming. In hindsight, putting those things together weren’t a good idea.
But it’s more than that. My emotions won’t lock down as easily as they used to. Even before cranio. I used to get angry or sad or emotional and stuff it away, be able to secure it in that Scrabble pouch in my chest and pretend they didn’t exist and either they’ve lived there forever or I took them out on myself later. And even though I found freedom moving far away, I would get practice everytime I went home to MO. I haven’t been back there in almost 8 months. That’s a long time for me.
Now, when I experience emotions, if they come out, they’re huge. HUGE. I got mad at an old lady the other day for a really justifiable thing, but then I yelled at her. It took me a second to realize I was yelling at an old lady who didn’t speak English and I walked away. For the record, being angry was right, yelling like that was not.
And last week the sobbing on my bedroom floor. Feeling like everything is life or death. Like it’s the end of the world. I was sad, but the hysterical sobbing and snot dripping emotional level of outburst was out of proportion with the events.
Emotions that have been stored up for years are pouring out whenever they sense an opportunity.
(And six days later I’m not at work again. I’m imagining a really fun conversation about that is coming)
The show I was watching, am watching, managed to hit a lot of the things I didn’t expect it to. A lot of nerves rubbed together. Sexual assaults and the fact I’ve lied about things like that in the past. The guilt associated with all of that. The questioning of my own experience. The jealousy as the girl in the show has parents who rally around her. That really real and raw and deep sense of loss and grief. The fact that I pay to experience the attachment that I should have been gifted as a child. Confusing emotions around my relationship with A.
Emotions are hard to learn as a child but I am guessing it’s harder to learn as an adult. Because I’m trying, but when I throw a tantrum or yell inappropriately that’s not what adults do.
Sometimes, for brief moments, I wish I never unlocked this growth.