Learning Emotions As An Adult

Ever since cranio, my emotions have surfaced in a way I really didn’t expect. Part of that could also be hormones, with my period coming. In hindsight, putting those things together weren’t a good idea. 

But it’s more than that. My emotions won’t lock down as easily as they used to. Even before cranio. I used to get angry or sad or emotional and stuff it away, be able to secure it in that Scrabble pouch in my chest and pretend they didn’t exist and either they’ve lived there forever or I took them out on myself later. And even though I found freedom moving far away, I would get practice everytime I went home to MO. I haven’t been back there in almost 8 months. That’s a long time for me.

Now, when I experience emotions, if they come out, they’re huge. HUGE. I got mad at an old lady the other day for a really justifiable thing, but then I yelled at her. It took me a second to realize I was yelling at an old lady who didn’t speak English and I walked away. For the record, being angry was right, yelling like that was not. 

And last week the sobbing on my bedroom floor. Feeling like everything is life or death. Like it’s the end of the world. I was sad, but the hysterical sobbing and snot dripping emotional level of outburst was out of proportion with the events.

Emotions that have been stored up for years are pouring out whenever they sense an opportunity. 

(And six days later I’m not at work again. I’m imagining a really fun conversation about that is coming)

The show I was watching, am watching, managed to hit a lot of the things I didn’t expect it to. A lot of nerves rubbed together. Sexual assaults and the fact I’ve lied about things like that in the past. The guilt associated with all of that. The questioning of my own experience. The jealousy as the girl in the show has parents who rally around her. That really real and raw and deep sense of loss and grief. The fact that I pay to experience the attachment that I should have been gifted as a child. Confusing emotions around my relationship with A. 

Emotions are hard to learn as a child but I am guessing it’s harder to learn as an adult. Because I’m trying, but when I throw a tantrum or yell inappropriately that’s not what adults do.

Sometimes, for brief moments, I wish I never unlocked this growth.


19 thoughts on “Learning Emotions As An Adult

  1. Learning emotions as an adult….oh my word. It feels impossible at times, doesn’t it? At times, I watch my almost 7 year old daughter and think that she is much more emotionally capable and mature than I am now, at 34. But watching her gives me hope, too, that learning emotions and all the pain with this journey, will be worth it. You can do this, PD. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is super hard as an adult. Mentally difficult and painful, but also risky to unleash, especially anger. A child lashes out and there’ll probably be a lot of dirty looks directed toward the parents, at worst some yelling and a smack for the child. An adult – anything can happen up to and including getting seriously assaulted in return, or tasered or shot by the cops (I scared myself a lot when I nearly punched a railway security guard at a time when my emotions were a little out of control).

    But you have to hold onto the hope that it will all be worth it in the long run when you can feel deep and genuine love and pleasure.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know how hard it can be to have all these emotions hit like a ton of bricks and being unable to control them anymore. You have so many years worth of tears, hurt, and anger all coming to the forefront. It’s terrifying and hard as hell, but so necessary for healing. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel this too. Lately I’ve been discovering what “real” anger is like and i just… it’s overwhelming. But once the dust settles it’ll be beautiful. Same with your stuff, PD. Hang in there and keep fighting.

    Liked by 1 person

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