Keep Holding On

Some nights, I wish I could go back and redo some of what got me where I am in this life.

And some nights, some nights I wouldn’t trade my past for anything.

My birthday was recently. For the sake of privacy I’m not going to say when, but it was within the last week.

I got a really amazing gift this year. One I didn’t really expect. One I had gotten myself without even knowing. One that A, and Em, and Lu, and Dave, and my husband, got me.

I woke up on my birthday morning, completely and utterly in love with myself and my life.

And after years upon years of hating myself… and loathing who I was, and just not being on my own side… after years of working so damn hard…. it was the best damn gift.

I rolled over in bed on my birthday morning into my husband’s arms and went “babe, I really like myself.” And he hugged me because God knows, him, of all people, knows how much work that’s been.

And I swear, this was all for something. All this work, to no longer want to jump in front of a train every day. To have worked so hard, and to have it be worth it. To wake up, on my birthday, and just LOVE myself. 

Whoever you are, wherever you are, promise me you’ll keep holding on.

Because one day you may wake up completely and totally in love with yourself and your life.

There’s a lot left to work through, but its so much easier when you believe you are worth it. It’s so much easier when you actually believe you’ll be okay… and I do. I do, and its incredible. I do believe I’m going to be okay.

I want to yell it from rooftops.

I am so grateful that I didn’t give up.

Promise me you won’t give up.

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25 thoughts on “Keep Holding On

  1. Happy happy Birthday, PD! I’m so glad you got those wonderful gifts! I really enjoyed watching you unwrap them. Thank you for sharing. TS

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So happy for you PD! I’ve been absent from WP for almost a month now, but occasionally following along, now filling in the gaps. You’ve been doing a lot of really, really hard work. You deserve this – God knows you’ve worked for it! The feeling of not wanting to jump in front of a train anymore is awesome, isn’t it? (The Lamictal has helped me not feel that way anymore, about 92% of my days!). Scream it off the roof tops if you want – because this joy deserves to be acknowledged just as much as all the pain you’ve been through!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Lily. I’m exhausted, if I’m being honest. But I’m also on my own side… and so thankful for that. It is joy, but it’s also contentment. I like myself. And I like my life.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s like God knew I needed to have your words in my life, so He led me here. This is what I last wrote about. I wake up every day feeling so defeated and frustrated with who I am and where I have ended up. Every day I just want to check out and run away because I feel like nothing will get better or change. I am tired and lonely in this process. I don’t have a husband who understands or is willing to work to change himself. I don’t have a best friend or an empathetic boss in my process. I do have an A, but sometimes you just don’t want to have to pay money to feel good or better about your journey and the work you are doing! Thank you for sharing this today, PD.. It provided hope where there is little. Happy Birthday!

    Liked by 1 person

    • SK, I don’t know how old you are or when you started your journey, but when I started mine (11 years before the first blog post on this blog) I didn’t have any of that either. I had a counselor (and not a great one) and I was confused and alone. I only got a Lu 3 years ago, and a Dave 2 years ago, and an A 1 year ago.

      One day, I promise, if you keep at it, you will get there.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Well, I am a little older than you and I’m in a different place in life (a stay at home mom now with a very non supportive family -my abusers- and an unfaithful spouse I am still married to but do not trust or feel 100% safe with) I’m very early into and new to this journey (1.5 yrs in) and know (hope!) I will get there. In the process I find it helpful and encouraging to witness others reach that place. As I find courage to leave relationships behind and gather “my team” together and find ways to trust and let others in, it is so helpful to have people like you who are willing to be vulnerable and share their story, journey, words, feelings, and successes. It provides a frame of reference, hope, and encouragement that is needed to know I am “ok” in this moment.

        Liked by 1 person

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