That Mom Shaped Hole 

I know that at some point I have to accept that she will never be what I need her to be. And I have to decide what I want my relationship with her to look like beyond that point.

I’m so tired of platitudes. Hell, I’m just tired. She’s picking up on it now but what can I say? What do I say?

It would help if I didn’t long for something I’m never going to get. It would help if I didn’t have this unrealistic idealism that maybe one day she will morph into what I need her to be. 

She’s not capable of it, for her own reasons. But I know I’m not okay with our current relationship. I know I don’t want to stay there at Christmas. I know that I am avoiding the conversation… and the emotions that come with it.

I knew I shouldn’t have picked up today, at work. I know better. I know better than that.

No amount of friendship or love or support replaces what is supposed to come from her.

I don’t know. I’m tired of having the same conversation to appease her when I’m hurting so much. 

I don’t know where this leaves us. And I guess I have to figure out what I want. I’m tired of hearing myself whine about this. 

I shouldn’t have picked up.

I’m just going to have to grieve it and accept it so contact with her doesn’t render me useless. As much as it sucks I know better. I do. I just have to accept that this is the way it is. 
I’ve got a mom shaped hole that will never fill.

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7 thoughts on “That Mom Shaped Hole 

  1. Awwww, PD. I just want to give you a big hug. I’m struggling with this mom stuff, too. I think the worst part is that I KNOW there are reasons she can’t be who I need her to be, but I feel so hurt and angry and those feelings don’t match up with what I intellectually, logically understand. I’m short on words because I’m sort of stuck in the middle of this mom mess, but I get it. It’s hard. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just like everyone else that commented on this, I’m right there with you, only in my case, my mother is dead, But there were the same issues you’re talking about in your post for me too upon her death. I’m still stuck in it too.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are not alone, not at all. You’re allowed to whine about it and grieve it and feel how you feel. Allowing yourself to grieve this isn’t an easy process. You’re going to be okay. You are so strong, and you are not alone with this process.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. pd, its ok to whine, your entitled to whine, you didnt get what you were supposed to get from her. I understand, I have the same issue with my mom, my relationship with her will never be what I want it to be. I try to accept that but it hurts. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh this…. this all day and night long. I could have written this myself. It’s so bloody hard. It sounds as though your head is slightly ahead of your heart in terms of the fact you’ve intellectualised it – she can’t give you what you want and need, but it’s still hurting and you are still wishing it was different and hoping because your heart isn’t quite there yet in terms of emotionally accepting it…. if that makes sense?

    I am bouncing around in my attempt to heal from my own mother shaped hole and it’s hard work. I wish I could tell you the answer but unfortunately it’s just a process we have to get through in our own way.

    But I’m feeling the same as you in that… what now? I am also fed up of making excuses and just fed up in general. I’m using T as a substitute and I know that’s going to end in tears too…. ahh.

    Sending you hugs and understanding and validation and everything else xx

    Liked by 1 person

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