I know that at some point I have to accept that she will never be what I need her to be. And I have to decide what I want my relationship with her to look like beyond that point.
I’m so tired of platitudes. Hell, I’m just tired. She’s picking up on it now but what can I say? What do I say?
It would help if I didn’t long for something I’m never going to get. It would help if I didn’t have this unrealistic idealism that maybe one day she will morph into what I need her to be.
She’s not capable of it, for her own reasons. But I know I’m not okay with our current relationship. I know I don’t want to stay there at Christmas. I know that I am avoiding the conversation… and the emotions that come with it.
I knew I shouldn’t have picked up today, at work. I know better. I know better than that.
No amount of friendship or love or support replaces what is supposed to come from her.
I don’t know. I’m tired of having the same conversation to appease her when I’m hurting so much.
I don’t know where this leaves us. And I guess I have to figure out what I want. I’m tired of hearing myself whine about this.
I shouldn’t have picked up.
I’m just going to have to grieve it and accept it so contact with her doesn’t render me useless. As much as it sucks I know better. I do. I just have to accept that this is the way it is.
I’ve got a mom shaped hole that will never fill.