Cranio, if nothing else (and it is much more) is an exercise in letting go. I let Sal hold the space and I am supposed to patiently allow things to happen for me.
Patiently. I am not very patient.
This session was very different from the first, as Sal pointed out afterwards. I kept waiting for that big expel of emotion, that big letting go, or the flashback or the images. But no, that’s not what my body wanted or needed. I’m learning to move with it and what it needs, not against it. I’m learning to try not to exercise control over these experiences, and let my body guide my mind, not the other way around.
I’ve started to learn to live with my resistance, the duality of wanting and not wanting. That defense mechanism screaming not to do things. I got that feeling this morning, checked in about any real danger, and once I realized the alarm bells we’re about resisting the emotional experience I was expecting, I thanked it and told it it was okay. I’ve been doing that a lot recently.
This session ended up being about strength gathering. My body, once I stopped trying to control what was happening, was more interested in gathering it’s strength, drawing resources from the supportive, space holding hands literally and emotionally holding space for us, than it was about letting something out.
I was in this weird but beautiful soft space between sleep and alert. The therapy space Sal uses is busy on Sunday and the noise faded away, and I was treated to the occasional soft light show behind my eyelids or positive images from the past. It was like my body knew exactly what I needed.
Sal got me water after, and we hugged before I left. I enjoy Sal. I trust Sal, their philosophy on the human experience and how we grow and become who we are as people is comforting.
But more importantly, I think the part that doesn’t trust anyone – the part that lives and protects that cavern inside of me – that part trusts Sal. And that’s new.
Sal’s calm care and the fact that they don’t ask questions or say anything other than to remind us to be gentle with ourselves, provides space for that really hurt protective part of me to just be.
This is going to continue to be good for us, I believe.
Now for a nap.