TW: anatomy, sexual assault
Today is the day of my pap.
It’s also the day of a photoshoot, a co-working date with Lu who is basically my hero at this point, a cafe meeting and an appointment with A.
I didn’t sleep very well last night (to be expected?) after a few days of really solid sleep – I’ve gotten my body in a routine.
I made a list of everything I needed this morning. $75 for the hairdresser from the bank (now I’m wondering, should I tip her?). My laptop, Ativan (as a security blanket), my notebook, outfit changes, and ‘shower & wash that part’.
It was only this morning I realized the absurdity of that last statement. First of all, I’m past the point in my depression where shower needs to be on my to do list, I’ve got that clean regularly part down now. I would have showered regardless.
Second, ‘& wash that part’. That’s a thing that I do when I’m in the shower each time, it’s not like a once and a while special thing. Also, why can’t I put ‘wash vagina’ on the list. Why is it that that part = such secrecy?
I don’t know why I’m concerned Dr R is going to care, I’m sure she’s seen lots of them. I’m sure some of them are hairy and some of them were smelly and I’m sure some of them looked different and why is anatomy such a taboo topic?
I’ve done all I can to care for myself in this situation, and I find myself more angry today than anything else. Angry at the people who hurt me, angry at my parents, angry at the fact that the word vagina isn’t something we feel we can’t say out loud. Angry that being a woman is so fucking hard sometimes. Angry that I still don’t feel like I deserve this support I’m giving myself.
Angry that I felt I had to write ‘shower and wash that part’ on my to do list this morning.
So you know what?
This is my rebellion. This self care and support is me saying – fuck all of them. I’m taking care of myself, and there’s nothing you can do about it.