I had a whole thing written and decided I didn’t feel like pressing publish.
I don’t feel like myself. I’m okay, I think. The exam itself was fine and went as perfectly as one could hope. Dr. M was amazing, I’ll describe her process once I’m a little more outside of it. Lu was incredible. My session was weird but I was so disassociated, and I’m not completely back in my own body yet. I returned to see A this morning though, and we had a breakthrough. But I still feel separated from myself.
The separation though, is more around the act of caring for myself and realizing how easy it would have been to be cared for before, and less about the actual exam. While uncomfortable, I had full autonomy and constant check ins. I think this is about having a tangible example of being cared for, and finally realizing what I’ve lost.
I’m very raw and feeling very vulnerable, and off to spend 3 days in a townhouse with 9 other women (my idea of hell). Dave will be around, but hopefully there’s space for me to be alone and I actually get some sleep.
I’m either not myself or I’m way too connected to how much this actually hurts.