Girl Interrupted

This is a first for me and my body is all sorts of out of it.

My pattern was interrupted. It was put on display and looked at by A and I, and I felt like all the fun air had been removed out of my helium balloon of manipulation when I left yesterday. I’m trying to be curious and to notice and to not judge myself.

This is what’s happened since leaving yesterday

  • Get continuously teary on the way home from seeing A
  • Buy a bottle of wine despite having 12 at home already from wineries last weekend and knowing this is a bad plan
  • Receive texts from Dave and answer with details he needs (for work) but add nothing else
  • Text with husband
  • Buy food 
  • Consider options – I asked A how I should handle it and she said “with love for you and them” so I’m like what does that look like?
  • Go home and marinate steak and set up veggies
  • Watch Netflix
  • Desperately try not to text Shawn (current manipulatee) and indicate I’m feeling in crisis (cue damsel in distress mode)
  • Husband calls at right time
  • Spend 1.5 hours crying on phone to husband and catching up
  • Drink bottle of wine through all this and eat dinner at 9p
  • Do the work I promised Dave
  • Eventually go to bed after eating and writing yesterday’s post

And then today:

  • Wake up and feel like it’s too early
  • Thirsty
  • Look at myself in the mirror and wonder how I got so screwed up
  • Go to physio – usually I relish the pain that comes from IMS, but today it just hurts and I want it to stop but don’t say anything
  • Write email to Strong explaining my counseling session more in depth and that my decided plan is to engage as minimally as possible with Dave and Shawn
  • Immediately get text from Shawn asking where I am and if I’m okay (of course)
  • Answer with “just coming from physio”
  • Still teary eyed and feeling a combination of “don’t give a shit” and challenging myself to not engage with them inappropriately. Struggle to define parameters, these white Knight types tend to come after me worried if I leave them for too long
  • Don’t eat breakfast, catch myself feeling like I don’t deserve breakfast
  • Fall into self hate spiral, message Lu and have good talk where she reminds me this is progress
  • Steal away from the office to have call with recruiter who has been insistent on talking to me
  • Leave early, so now I’m sitting outside ruminating and listening to the playlist of exceptionally mushy love songs Shawn and I are learning because we have to sing them together next week.
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5 thoughts on “Girl Interrupted

  1. I’m sorry, but did I miss something – who is Shawn? I’ve never heard you mention them before. Also, it sounds like you are doing a lot of things RIGHT! So allow yourself to focus on those positives! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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