Things have been weird lately. I know I haven’t been posting. I’m sorry. I know it worries me when I don’t hear from you, so it upsets me that maybe I’m worrying others.
Last weekend was my work retreat. I was really well behaved on Thursday and Friday night but Saturday I got drunk… suicidally drunk. Two of my coworkers (both men, both in relationships) took care of me. Amazingly so.
I wrote that last post from an incredible high. I’d figured this out, I was going to get better. I bounced into counseling today and A was like “whoa, this is new”.
But as I told her what was going on I realized I’m just following my pattern of manipulation and lies towards vulnerable White Knight type men. And I don’t even mean to, but I get into this place and I’m so… good at it. I love to be cared for and rescued.
A and I looked at it, together. And she was like “you, like this, is so incredibly charasmatic. You seem so happy, and charming, and just incredible. You have maintained eye contact this whole time and it’s like you’re writing the session as it happens. I’m so glad I get to see this because when you are playing out your manipulative pattern, you are intoxicating. I almost want to tell you to keep going.”
I fell back into my pattern. Lying to and manipulating vulnerable men around me. And I didn’t even realize it until she pointed it out. Thats why I seemed so in control – my needs were being met – by a situation I control.
It’s complicated and hard but she asked me how I felt, and to take a look at it, and there were a lot of frank talks today where A high fives me and told me I’ve come so far in knowing why I do the things I do even if I can’t stop them yet.
I was so confused where my perfectionist fronter came from, and the near the end, I was like “last week after my pap till now is such a drastic change” and then it hit me… the pap. It is so representative of my pattern. I get into a situation I don’t know what to do with, I lose control and disassociate and I gain control by lying to and manipulating someone.
It was eye opening. I came home determined not to contact anyone and my husband called and I had a huge cry with him.
I wanted the euphoria caused by feeding my lie monster to be real. And it’s not.
*Post edit: The lie monster has morphed more into an attention monster, where I manipulate the relationship. But I don’t do it on purpose. I didn’t come out of the disassociation by cognitively thinking “I need to gain control of this situation, who can I manipulate?” It wasn’t until session yesterday I realized I had done it. And it was actually really interesting to see it happen point blank and for A to get to witness it. Now it’s a matter of what I do next, really.*