Weird

Things have been weird lately. I know I haven’t been posting. I’m sorry. I know it worries me when I don’t hear from you, so it upsets me that maybe I’m worrying others.

Last weekend was my work retreat. I was really well behaved on Thursday and Friday night but Saturday I got drunk… suicidally drunk. Two of my coworkers (both men, both in relationships) took care of me. Amazingly so.

I wrote that last post from an incredible high. I’d figured this out, I was going to get better. I bounced into counseling today and A was like “whoa, this is new”.

But as I told her what was going on I realized I’m just following my pattern of manipulation and lies towards vulnerable White Knight type men. And I don’t even mean to, but I get into this place and I’m so… good at it. I love to be cared for and rescued.

A and I looked at it, together. And she was like “you, like this, is so incredibly charasmatic. You seem so happy, and charming, and just incredible. You have maintained eye contact this whole time and it’s like you’re writing the session as it happens. I’m so glad I get to see this because when you are playing out your manipulative pattern, you are intoxicating. I almost want to tell you to keep going.”

I fell back into my pattern. Lying to and manipulating vulnerable men around me. And I didn’t even realize it until she pointed it out. Thats why I seemed so in control – my needs were being met – by a situation I control. 

It’s complicated and hard but she asked me how I felt, and to take a look at it, and there were a lot of frank talks today where A high fives me and told me I’ve come so far in knowing why I do the things I do even if I can’t stop them yet. 

I was so confused where my perfectionist fronter came from, and the near the end, I was like “last week after my pap till now is such a drastic change” and then it hit me… the pap. It is so representative of my pattern. I get into a situation I don’t know what to do with, I lose control and disassociate and I gain control by lying to and manipulating someone. 

It was eye opening. I came home determined not to contact anyone and my husband called and I had a huge cry with him.

I wanted the euphoria caused by feeding my lie monster to be real. And it’s not. 

*Post edit: The lie monster has morphed more into an attention monster, where I manipulate the relationship. But I don’t do it on purpose. I didn’t come out of the disassociation by cognitively thinking “I need to gain control of this situation, who can I manipulate?” It wasn’t until session yesterday I realized I had done it. And it was actually really interesting to see it happen point blank and for A to get to witness it. Now it’s a matter of what I do next, really.*

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24 thoughts on “Weird

  1. Hi Vera and thanks for posting :). It’s really hard to explain the long story behind the lies and manipulation – there are a few early posts on it.

    Regardless I’m so happy to hear it helps you in your own recovery, that’s the silver lining to all my struggle ❤️

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  2. it’s hard exposing and confronting behaviours or parts of yourself that you don’t really like, all of a sudden it feels as if you’re walking around with a big visible stain on you. Extra hard if the behaviour has been very successful in getting you something you need or want. But as you said in your last post, recognising what is going on is the first step to dealing with it and you WILL get there. Small steps.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Vera, and thanks for commenting! It’s really hard to explain the long story behind the lies and manipulation – there are a few early posts on it.

      Regardless I’m so happy to hear I am helping you in your recovery, being helpful in this way is the silver lining to my struggle. ❤️

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  3. I think these “lightbulb” moments are incredible. They are hugely shocking, painful but brilliant in terms of our personal growth and healing.

    Well done for being able to admit to things, to hold things up to the light and analyse them, for accepting things that might be hard to accept and also for having the courage to “put it out there” by writing it here. You are doing so, so well and I agree, it isn’t a lie monster, it is a hurt [I don’t agree with the word monster, but for the sake of writing] “monster” that is using defences that used to help and are no longer helping.

    I admire your courage, strength and resilence to continue fighting this. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I didn’t even realize that’s what it was until she was like – “are you feeling better because you’re feeling better or are you getting a high out of manipulating someone”

      But it was said with no judgment – still felt like air coming out of a balloon. I don’t plan to hurt people, and I almost never realize I have until after, so this is a unique experience

      Liked by 1 person

    • It’s crossed my mind in the worst moments (long before blogging) where I was drinking every day and hiding it. But now it’s not so much as how often I drink (I’ve drank 2 out of the last 5 nights) but how much and the timing of it – if that makes sense.

      My friends and husband are very well aware, and it’s not like I was the only one drinking last weekend (all 30 of us were pretty drunk), it’s just what happens to me when I do drink that makes it a poor choice.

      Long story short, the disruption to my life isn’t worth it for two bottles of wine a week. It’s a coping mechanism and I can look at it for what it is, and together with A and my support system I’m leaving it behind piece by piece.

      And no, not out of line, but like with any question I get like this here, remember that you see snippets of my life (I don’t talk about the last three days where I didn’t drink at all!)

      Liked by 1 person

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