I’m Tired

I’m really tired today.

I’m tired of being two sides of myself. 

I’m tired of being the rational adult, the manager and leader and intelligent person but also that child who is so afraid to communicate her needs because dammit she is not good enough. 

I had an argument with my husband and even though we were speaking calmly and the adult in me understood his points the kid in me is going “he thinks you’re stupid”, “he’s saying you’re worthless and he doesn’t want a wife”. My Mom does that too, with people. It’s likely where I learned it from. 

I’m tired of the adult side of me thinking “I really need ________” and the child side of me viewing that as being too needy and that asserting myself is wrong.

I’m tired of the filter of my life being applied to current day situations where it doesn’t fit.

I’m tired of being exhausted.

I’m tired of knowing one thing intellectually but reacting to it a completely different way because my opinions didn’t matter then and I was less than and I wasn’t good enough and now, even though I’m surrounded by love, I still FEEL those things even though they’re not true.

I wish I didn’t start this discovery process. And yet I know that’s not true.

I’m also quitting drinking, for real this time. It’s becoming too contentious of an issue in my relationship. I’m going to be hermitting for a while, staying home, and out of situations where I may be drinking. I’ll keep you updated.

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4 thoughts on “I’m Tired

  1. PD, all of this. I’m there with you in all of this right now. You’re not alone. You found words to what I couldn’t say myself. All of it hurts and it’s not easy and it downright sucks at times. But it’s gotta be worth it, right? At some point? Love you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s interesting to me that you say the adult part of you thinks “I need ____” and the child sees it as wrong. For me, it’s the child that thinks “I need ____” and the adult that sees it as wrong! I can see how it works both ways though, and now that you say that, I think that sometimes it is the other way for me as well.
    You are surrounded by love now, yet you’re still feeling things – that is normal and yet so, so, so painful. I can relate a lot to that right now. Be gentle with yourself. It will take time – I know you know that, and it really sucks – but it’s true. It’s even worse when you’re exhausted. I hope you can do some things soon to take care of yourself, like run a warm bath, bake some cookies, sit outside and feel the breeze (if you can, not sure where you live), diffuse some essential oils, etc. Lots of DBT self-soothe overall! It doesn’t fix things, but it can be a symbol of you loving yourself enough to be gentle with yourself. And not drinking and avoiding situations that you know will be harmful in some way is a GREAT start! ❤ xoxo

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