I’m really tired today.
I’m tired of being two sides of myself.
I’m tired of being the rational adult, the manager and leader and intelligent person but also that child who is so afraid to communicate her needs because dammit she is not good enough.
I had an argument with my husband and even though we were speaking calmly and the adult in me understood his points the kid in me is going “he thinks you’re stupid”, “he’s saying you’re worthless and he doesn’t want a wife”. My Mom does that too, with people. It’s likely where I learned it from.
I’m tired of the adult side of me thinking “I really need ________” and the child side of me viewing that as being too needy and that asserting myself is wrong.
I’m tired of the filter of my life being applied to current day situations where it doesn’t fit.
I’m tired of being exhausted.
I’m tired of knowing one thing intellectually but reacting to it a completely different way because my opinions didn’t matter then and I was less than and I wasn’t good enough and now, even though I’m surrounded by love, I still FEEL those things even though they’re not true.
I wish I didn’t start this discovery process. And yet I know that’s not true.
I’m also quitting drinking, for real this time. It’s becoming too contentious of an issue in my relationship. I’m going to be hermitting for a while, staying home, and out of situations where I may be drinking. I’ll keep you updated.