Back to the beginning 

I had 15oz of wine tonight at happy hour.

Pisses me off that Dave was right.

Feeling like I’ll never achieve my goals.

Tired of being tired. 

Already missing A and it’s day one. How pathetic. That makes me feel pathetic.

Nothing I went through was ever that bad, and I’ve destroyed my family for nothing. 

I hate how attached I’ve become. It does NOT feel safe. 

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10 thoughts on “Back to the beginning 

  1. its not pathetic. when I thought I’d be having a two week break this week I really panicked. missing a is ok honestly. and dont give up hope about the alcohol either. you can do it just start over tomorrow. love and hugs, xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m missing T and she hasn’t even left yet (I have a session in 10 minutes and then she has 2 weeks of vacation). It’s not pathetic.
    I agree with Strong that Dave is not right. Maybe he’s right in that it’s asking a lot to have an entire recovery with no relapses – I’m not sure that’s possible for anyone – but he’s not right in saying that you can’t do it. You’re not starting over. That’s discounting the progress you’ve already made. You’re continuing. Small bump in the road. If you keep “starting over” then that does feel overwhelming, but if you keep continuing, it’s one more step at a time. I know that’s basically semantics but it’s true. If you give up totally and completely, that’s the only way that Dave will be right. You’re not doing that. Hang in there. We’re all pulling for you. 🤗

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you for reminding me it’s normal to miss them, and for reframing this as “continuing”. It may be semantics but it helped and worked. One foot in front of the other. ❤️

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  3. First off, Dave is NOT right. You can do this. It’s been an emotional few days, especially your last session, and then A went on vacation.
    Everything you feel, everything you went through, the effect it’s had on you, it’s all valid. It wasn’t normal, those things you experienced.
    And you’re trying to heal, remember that. Your goal is deep healing. And you are getting there. Every day you’re working and getting closer to it.
    And you will achieve your goals ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Don’t give up. Tomorrow is a fresh start.

    Don’t doubt yourself either. You are telling yourself now that things weren’t that bad, but everything you have shared with A and with us on your blog says that it was that bad. You were terrorised by your brother and left alone by your parents to cope with so many things you shouldn’t have been as a child. You can and are healing from that with A’s help and your attachment to her is a good thing, even though your separation is very painful right now. And you have not destroyed your family. The rift is because you are making healthy changes and they cannot keep pace with that. They may or may not make the changes THEY need to make in the future to reconnect in a constructive way with you, but none of that is within your control. You are you, and good enough as you are.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I really needed your comment DV – you said so many things that I needed to hear. I was terrorised by my brother whether or not he knew what he was doing and I should have had more support. Those are not statements of blame, they are facts.

      I struggle with my attachment to A although I can see from what you wrote that it is a good thing and I can take solace in this separation pain – it means I have a strong attachment to her.

      Thank you again so much for this.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t think it’s pathetic at all that you’re missing A.I was going to go into why I don’t think it’s pathetic, but every time I went to type the words, I couldn’t make them make sense. As far as the wine goes, just because you backslid a little,it doesn’t mean that Dave was right. Just start over again. All of us here are pulling for you PD. I know you can do this. One step at a time.

    Liked by 2 people

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