I’m sitting on the bathroom floor still hysterical, which my husband blames my mom for. My husband doesn’t want to respond to her email in the way that’s easiest for me because that’s inauthentic to his own experience and fuck im so done being in the middle.
But he won’t go to dinner unless I go and she is trying to extend an olive branch and bury the hatchet (is she though?) but then he’s all like I will have dinner but only on my terms and I need to hash this out… and I’m like can’t you see how fragile she is and how awful things are for her and how this is her trying? And he’s like – you always take her side.
And he’s like fine I’ll go to dinner but I’m not hugging her, I don’t like her.
And then she’s like “I just want my family to be whole again. I’m not talking to your husbamd and he’s not talking to me and you aren’t talking to your brother and who knows whats up with your aunt”
But notice in there theres nothing about my brother doing anything wrong- it’s me not talking to my brother. Also note the guilt trip – and I shouldn’t have picked up the phone (it broke all of my rules – past 6pm, Sunday, I was in the middle of something) but God forbid I reach for connection with my mother ever.
So now I’ve spent 3 hours crying and my husband is like “that bitch ruined our sunday” um hello that’s my MOM.
But on the flip side she called apparently because she wanted to “warn me of any repercussions.” Um what? Are you insinuating my husband is going to come after me?
And now he’s like “do we tell her that you’ve been crying for hours? Do we tell her what this does to you? Do we ever share your experience with her?”
No, we don’t! That isn’t safe. My safety or relationship and ties with her feels threatened when he says that. Also, where would we start. But he is done playing along, and I don’t know what to do. I’m sitting here sobbing on the bathroom floor, after sobbing into my husband, sitting in the dark, my husband brought me water but he’s frustrated.
And then is this all my fault? Cause I never let him speak his mind to her before? Cause I censored him from day one? He’s told me he’s done letting them trample all over me, but isn’t that my decision? I can’t believe this is still a thing.
I love my Mom. I want her in my life. But I love my husband too. And I’m in the middle and I don’t know how not to be in the middle. Is she reaching out an olive branch or is she doing what she knows how to do best? Having me manipulate him to meet with her so she can play the victim.
It’s all so confusing, it’s all so unsafe. I can’t function.
I honestly don’t have any next steps. I don’t know what to do. This has completely derailed me (and it’s day 3, I can’t ask for A now. I can’t. That’s ridiculous, I wouldn’t have even had a session yet).
I’d take an Ativan but I had two mini bottles of wine. So that doesn’t bode well.
I honestly don’t know what to do.
Here I am in the middle of trying to establish what is normal for just me and my mom and I’ve been thrown into this triangle with a very straight shooting husband who is apparently suddenly determined he won’t be censored anymore and is determined to defend me and share his feelings and I thought things were finally okay.
I thought they were finally okay.
I have thought it was okay many times before. I’ve always been wrong.
WTF is my Mom doing calling me at 9:30p to ask me about an email SHE HAS ALREADY SENT and tell me she ‘thinks it’s nice but thought the last one was too’ and hasn’t slept for six months and it’s taken her all this time to figure out how to respond and to get the courage to reach out DOES SHE NOT REMEMBER RESPONDING? And she’s crying and then I can’t decide if I’m supposed to tell my husband or not that this email is just lurking in his inbox AND yes while what she said can be interpreted as nice it also started with “I know we haven’t talked for a variety of reasons” – One. ONE reason, Mom. And then “but I think we can agree with both care about PD”. And then “I’d like to have dinner and just put this behind us and move on” – which now what, if we don’t want to sweep this under the rug we are the bad guys?
And WHY is this on me?
Fuck. I don’t know what to do.
My husband is refusing to just go along with it and play nice and pretend everything is warm and fuzzy and I’m super conflict averse but so deeply entrenched in my Mom’s emotions that I don’t know what is right.
I know I don’t want to have dinner the three of us. I know that I hate A is on vacation. And I know I’ve basically shut down. I’m at the level of “ok, brush teeth, that’s next. Ok good, get up, ok good, in bed.” Step by fucking step.
I don’t think I’m going to be able to get up and go to work tomorrow.