Nobody Wins

Sometimes I hate Facebook memories. But today’s was helpful. Reminded me not to cut my hair short.

Two years ago today I chopped a ton of my hair off. I had just gotten out of the hospital after my brothers last freakout (and the one that led me to working with Em again and then eventually seeking out A). 

I’m still feeling depleted. I’m bouncing between having all sorts of emotions and feeling nothing.

I just submitted a sick day request from work. I don’t feel like I can do life today. 

A made a good point on the phone yesterday. It isn’t that my Mom loves my brother more, it’s that she loved us both poorly in different ways. It looks good to me – but it’s enabling, and he’s dependent on her, and it’s not helpful at all. So I’m the independent one with a craving to be seen and have someone recognize my needs and love me. And he’s the dependent one. 

Who would you rather be? 

None of us win. There is no winner. I’ve been trying to win an argument that doesn’t have a good answer.

To top it all off, my Mom loves me. She loves my brother. She is not an evil person. She is a human doing her best with the circumstances she was given. Isn’t that all we are all doing? It would be easier if she was mean, I think. Then I’d feel like I could be mad.

But here’s the thing, I’m allowed to be mad. I’m mad and sad and grieving and the fact that she didn’t mean to hurt me, and that she’s doing the best she can, doesn’t take away from the fact that it did hurt. 

Nobody wins.

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5 thoughts on “Nobody Wins

  1. You are a lot more forgiving of your mom and her behavior than I am of mine. But, mine was sometimes mean and doesn’t even know how to love, I believe….anyways, I think you are ahead in “the game” because you have the ability to see things as they are and process as you are. There’s the difference. You want to be better, so you are taking action. So while my mom may have done the best she knew how, just as yours has, it doesn’t change things, just as you are realizing, but I wish sometimes my family would have the realization that this could be better if they were willing to make some of the same choices along side me to heal. The fact that your mom engaged and responded to your email and still communicates is positive. Maybe more will change down the road. Maybe not. But you are, and that’s really good.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re right, nobody did win. But I wonder, are you winning now? Not that you’re competing against them, but in terms of pursuing a goal, with the “trophy” being healing and being who you really are. I think you’re winning.

    Liked by 4 people

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