Last week, I told A about something my Mom said when I was struggling, really struggling, over her vacation. When I reached out and mentioned the struggle and my Mom went off about how we all struggle and then shared her experiences and made it about her.
And A said, that it may be time to consider how to stop myself from reaching in those vulnerable moments. How the expectation and the desire to have needs met, and sitting with not reaching, is painful – but how consistently reaching and not being met is more so.
Last week I mentioned to my Mom that my husband and I were writing our will and she said she had to change theirs because “when your children are refusing to speak, there are things to consider” – essentially implying some change in conditions. Right now it’s 50/50, so I’m not sure what that change means. Funnily enough, I doubt I’m the beneficiary of anything extra. Not sure why it needs to change at all, in fact.
And then yesterday I called her, because I try to call on the weekend, after a long two days with friends and being up until 2am working. Which, like, when will I fucking learn? I call her, she’s asleep on the back deck, talking about how she hasn’t been able to sleep due to the stress of my brother and I not talking and so she’s finally figured out the fountain helps her sleep. And then she starts eating chips into the phone, chewing loudly, going “this is for all the times you call me in traffic. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? That’s what it feels like”
And I was like “Cool, I go out of my way to call you during the week because you have always said you wanted me to. I can stop, since the only time I can do it that fits into your schedule is when I am walking to work.”
And she goes “calm down, I’m just joking.”
I have to learn that when I’m upset or tired or in need, that I can’t reach for my Mom.
I have to unlearn my natural instinct, and figure out how to not reach for her. Cause right now she sucks.
I’m sure the instinct to write comments about her is super strong. I’m sure the instinct to defend me is strong too. Just be aware that she is still my mother, that I am full of grief, and I will feel the need to jump to her defence. Be mindful with your responses, please.