Angrrryyyyy

I hate that you’re gone. And I hate that there are six more days until you’re back. And on top of all of that, I hate that I need you right now and I can’t interpret that care I KNOW you have for me. I hate that I’m the stereotypical angry client whose therapist has been gone for too fucking long. 

I am so determined to not talk to you. I am going to print out these posts, and be silent, and get you to read them. You prefer when I talk, well, I talk when you’re here. I don’t talk when you forget about me and go away for so long. Your vacations are stupid.

Talked to my mom this morning. We talked about how emotions were never welcome in her relationship with Grandma and man did that conversation prove so much. 

But I don’t want to talk about that with you. Mom is off limits with you. You just make it worse.

I am drinking quite a bit to cope with this depressive episode and these emotions, and I’m so done caring. I’d cancel with you if some part of me didn’t desperately and pathetically need the connection. 

I’m angry that you left me again.

I’m just some super awesome and fun experiment for you, aren’t I. 

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6 thoughts on “Angrrryyyyy

  1. Oh PD, I can hear your pain. My therapist is going away in September, and it’s still so painful and hard when they leave, even though, so far, they’ve always come back. This anger, it’s okay. I’m here for you if you need to talk. ❤

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  2. Its ok, PD. You don’t have to be “better than” or “unlike” anyone else….and you’re not stereotypical. You’re you. Authentic angry you. You’re right where you need to be I think. Hang on…6 more days…she’s coming back for you. I’m so sorry you are in this place. Infuriating, frustrating, lonely, and not fun.

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  3. I understand the being angry about being angry – it’s not a bad thing to be in a “stereotypical” mood/reaction to her vacation – maybe it’s good because your therapy is following a somewhat established path. It’s painful to be away from her for so long, and that feels really vulnerable. I hope the next 6 days pass quickly

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  4. I know you’re angry, and that’s okay; I’m not going to tell you that you aren’t an experiment to her because I think that deep down, you know that already. As you said, some part of you wants connection with her. And that part is not pathetic, that’s judgement from this angry part (and that’s okay). You’re allowed to feel this anger, and express it safely, like by writing this and planning on not talking but just giving it to her.
    Also, sounds like your conversation with your mom was super interesting.

    Liked by 2 people

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