Talking about A yesterday with a good friend really helped me reconnect with the idea of her existing. I had been feeling abandoned, and on top of that I’ve been feeling like I cannot take up the space I’m entitled to. I haven’t been able to believe my affirmations. I feel weakest when I do not feel like I am entitled to my feelings and thoughts or the space they occupy.
A’s care and love for me doesn’t stay when she’s gone – I have issues remembering it exists. I was okay the first two weeks because we talked twice, which felt normal, even though it was over the phone. I am not coping as well this time.
I miss her, and the connection, and it makes me afraid and I stuff it down because being angry feels easier than feeling abandoned does. Feeling angry feels easier than feeling sad and lonely.
I’m feeling a bit better today. Now it’s a normal amount of days until I see her – 5 more sleeps. I cleaned up today. Listened to a shit ton of motivational videos and made an “I can fucking do this” playlist. I shredded two of the three credit cards I have (the two my husband doesn’t know about) so I can’t use them anymore. I got my budget out and am making a plan.
I’m still feeling fragile, and I napped this afternoon. But talking about missing A helped, and reaching out to good friends helped, and sitting in the bathtub helped. I’m going to get myself back into routine this week which should also help.
It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.