I think the dam holding back the wellspring of grief and loneliness burst forth after my session last week.
Our first real rupture, A and I.
It was a weird session. There was a rupture where I got weird and silent and then angry at her for being SO FOCUSED ON EMOTION. I wanted to other talk. Then about half way in, she got the most defeated I had ever seen her and was like “I am clearly missing the mark with you today, so I am going to be silent and you can tell me what you need.”
And then I told her about my week and how this wellspring of grief seems to have emerged now that I am not drowning my sorrows in alcohol. And oh my goodness did I ever spend our session crying. And I needed her to stay longer, I needed a longer session, and she couldn’t stay today. And now I’m wondering if she remembered her promise to watch Inside Out before Christmas.
I felt so disconnected from here even though it ended well, after us sharing some MnMs. And she didn’t really do anything wrong. And then I feel like I wasted time getting angry even though she did that weird thing therapists do where they are happy you are angry. And now I’m at home wondering if she’s mad at me.
It tapped into that old little voice that is going “I don’t want to be alive anymore/I don’t deserve to be alive” which for the record I KNOW is old, and I am not even close to being in danger, but usually that’s my defences coming up when they’ve been penetrated.
It’s just soooooo exhausting. I wanted her to hold me while I cried but didn’t ask cause its still weird to me and then we shared MnMs and I said I hate crying, and she nudged me and said yea, but how do you feel, honestly. And I said I did feel better cause that was honest, I did feel better after crying. I sobbed. I sobbed.
Now I don’t see her until next Wednesday, and that makes me mad at her for not being here. Like, be my Mom already. But also adult me completely understands the impossibility of that statement and where it comes from.
I started by telling her our relationship helped me not drink for a while, and then she wanted to talk about our relationship, which is a topic I avoid like the plague. And then I tried to move on, and she redirected once which happens, and I get, she tries to route me back around, but then I said I wanted to tell her something, which I KNEW was going to end in me talking about my feelings anyways. And it felt like I needed to tell her, but she STILL redirected – what is with all this emotion talk even though I say I need to say something else!?
Then she was trying to understand and being like “I’m not getting something here” or “I think something I did upset you, can you help me fix it.” And then I couldn’t tell her what I need, and I was counting by 3’s (but couldn’t tell her that either, cause I didn’t trust it), and I was also doing that thing where I endure. I should have told her that’s what I was doing, but it didn’t feel safe to talk.
And then she tried like 18 ways to work around it, and none worked, and then I started FINALLY talking but she asked me to look at her while I did. I was pretty far away, in her defence, but I was finally talking, and she interrupted that. And then I didn’t trust her anymore and didn’t want to say anything.
And I had already spent two days feeling so lonely, that not being able to talk to her was made so much worse.
Then I just sat there, staring at her, maybe glaring, and went “I can’t tell you the story while I am looking at you so pick what you want. The story or eye contact.”
I got all huffy.
Then she told me how glad she was anger made an appearance (how therapisty of her), and that I am allowed to be angry.
To which I replied “I AM NOT ANGRY”
And then I went “Fine, fair point” considering I had yelled.
She responded with “I am clearly missing the mark with you today, so you tell me what you need when you are ready and remember that it is okay to be angry.”
And then I did tell her. And I cried. Forever.
I read through the above and see how skilled she is. But I also see how hurt I am by this rupture. How I don’t trust her. How I’m 100% sure she doesn’t remember the deals we make (her watching Inside Out in exchange for me reading When The Body Says No), so on and so forth.
I don’t matter to her as much as she matters to me, and that is the reality of the situation.
The dam broke forth… and we had our first rupture.
My defences are broken with her, and it’s getting harder to handle. I also really struggle to talk about our relationship which means the struggle will continue.
I’m thinking of quitting. Therapy, I mean. It doesn’t make much sense anymore. Torturing myself with what I could have had, but didn’t, and won’t have, because as much as I wish differently she is not my mother, and can never be that.
It’s a relationship that doesn’t make sense, and is currently causing me more pain than anything else.
(Which, by the way, she’d reframe in the context of her experience and I’d just end up feeling guilty for making her feel bad).
Things are a bit messy right now. Hold on to your hats.