This is a first for me and my body is all sorts of out of it.
My pattern was interrupted. It was put on display and looked at by A and I, and I felt like all the fun air had been removed out of my helium balloon of manipulation when I left yesterday. I’m trying to be curious and to notice and to not judge myself.
This is what’s happened since leaving yesterday
- Get continuously teary on the way home from seeing A
- Buy a bottle of wine despite having 12 at home already from wineries last weekend and knowing this is a bad plan
- Receive texts from Dave and answer with details he needs (for work) but add nothing else
- Text with husband
- Buy food
- Consider options – I asked A how I should handle it and she said “with love for you and them” so I’m like what does that look like?
- Go home and marinate steak and set up veggies
- Watch Netflix
- Desperately try not to text Shawn and indicate I’m feeling in crisis
- Husband calls at right time
- Spend 1.5 hours crying on phone to husband and catching up
- Drink bottle of wine through all this and eat dinner at 9p
- Do the work I promised Dave
- Eventually go to bed after eating and writing yesterday’s post
And then today:
- Wake up and feel like it’s too early
- Look at myself in the mirror and wonder how I got so screwed up
- Go to physio – usually I relish the pain that comes from IMS, but today it just hurts and I want it to stop but don’t say anything
- Write email to Strong explaining my counseling session more in depth and that my decided plan is to engage as minimally as possible with Dave and Shawn
- Immediately get text from Shawn asking where I am and if I’m okay (of course)
- Answer with “just coming from physio”
- Still teary eyed and feeling a combination of “don’t give a shit” and challenging myself to not engage with them inappropriately. Struggle to define parameters, these white Knight types tend to come after me worried if I leave them for too long
- Don’t eat breakfast, catch myself feeling like I don’t deserve breakfast
- Fall into self hate spiral, message Lu and have good talk where she reminds me this is progress
- Steal away from the office to have call with recruiter who has been insistent on talking to me
- Leave early, so now I’m sitting outside ruminating and listening to the playlist of exceptionally mushy love songs Shawn and I are learning because we have to sing them together next week.